We just had our first birthday of the year. I hope to write a post for each kid around their birthday. If I say it here, maybe it will happen. It gets a little dicey because we have 4 birthdays within 3 weeks in April. I will have to start now. (: They are all big ones this year - 6, 12, 16, 18, 20, 24. They are all such pretty, round numbers. I remember saying 10 years ago- Can you imagine when our kids are these numbers? And now we are here! Josh's number isn't as signficant as the others, but it is my favourite number and it's his first year as a married man. How special is that!
This past Friday Micah turned 20. I think that every birthday is special. Another year of life given is always a gift. But there is gravity in this birthday for us- Us as in Ken and I. Since Micah was little when we walked the hard with him, he doesn't remember everything. Ken and I can see it as a story and I think that his view is different from ours. It's more bits and pieces. There is beauty in him not remembering it all. It's part of the Lord's care for him. This birthday was intense for our hearts. It was good intense. There was lots of giving thanks, but there was also some hard remembering involved. If you don't know his story you can read it here.
Micah is in his second year of university at Redeemer. He hopes to teach. This year is the first year that he is living on campus. That was a big change for our family. We were down 2 boys within a month. I always imagined that I would give my kids a hug, tell them to visit lots and would wave as they leave. We raise them to leave. That didn't happen. I cried. Sometimes I still have some tears. Both boys are in great places and it's all good. I am so thankful that they are both moving on and I do find it very exciting. But sometimes I still have my moments of missing them even though they are here often enough. They are great men. I am so thankful for both of them.
I wasn't planning a giant picture post. I was just planning a thank the Lord with us short post. But as I was looking for a few pictures to post, I discovered that there is a place that all my blog pictures are sitting. I just looked through at least 500 pictures and - Oh my heart. I laughed and cried. My people were so little and it tweaks my heart. I don't think I have ever loved and appreciated my kids more than I do now. They are some of my most favourite gifts from the Lord. I spent hours looking through pictures and picking these out. I have always wondered if I could do a birthday post for Micah without talking about cancer. But I don't think I can. It's part of his story. It's part of our story. It doesn't define Micah or Ken and I or the kids, but it has shaped all of us in one way or another. I don't wish it back and often wish it didn't happen. The pain was intense, but actually the beauty was just as intense. In His sovereignty, the Lord put it in our story for a reason - For his glory and purpose and for our good. He carried all of us.Taught us. And let us keep our Micah. The kids still have their brother and we still have our son. Every birthday I think about the fact that instead of making him chicken wings, I could be visiting him in his spot that is beside my Opa Van Dyk. We do move on. But we don't forget. Our path has reminded us about what is important and often moves us towards thankfulness. We are so thankful for Micah. For who he is. For how he loves and for the man he is becoming. He is a gift to us and we pray that the Lord will continue to shape him, guide and lead him.
January 7, 2002. 12:30pm. Victoria Hospital. He is my only baby born at LHSC and ended up spending a few years there. I always found that interesting. I wish we had better cameras back then. We thought he looked like an Inuit. I think he was already mad that he was too hot here. It's the story of his life. (:
The next 2 are so fuzzy. But they are how I remember Micah before he started treatment. This is my little runner. We lost him all the time. He was as sweet as he was crazy. There should be way more pictures between birth and 3 years old. But I don't think I took many. I was too tired from trying to keep him alive. It makes me laugh thinking about it.
This is 2007, 2 or 3 months before we found his cancer.
Our little people in 2008
This is about 8 months into treatment. He was at his sickest here. He was doing radiation and chemo. He got shingles from the strain of his intense treatment. The study he was on intensified the amount of treatment he got and I believe it was helpful in saving his life the first time around. But it took a toll. He was on a morphine drip for a week in isolation. His eyes even changed color from the strain. This was when we hit our first wall as a family all at the same time. When we realized that it was shingles, we called our oncologist and she told us to come right in to be admitted. It was supposed to be our week off. Things had been so heavy and we were all so tired and just needed home and each other. I drove away with Ken, Josh, Natalie and Josiah crying on the driveway and Micah and I crying in the van. That was a hard day.
Curious George stayed in between his legs for all 30 of his radiation treatments. He was a trooper and was so well behaved. They were able to time the shots to his liver to his breathing. If he couldn't have managed it, they wouldn't have been able to treat his liver. We were so thankful that they could. The box on his belly is the timer. In this picture he has full blown shingles. They didn't want to stop the radiation. His arms over his head must have been excruciating because the shingles when under his arm and down his back. I remember just being amazed at how the Lord upheld Micah.
Barb, his case manager gave Micah a build a bear bear for a present on his last day of radiation. He was still on morphone here and was on it for a quite a while after we went home for nerve pain. You can see his radiation burn and his shingles (by his arm) that were healing in this picture. It always amazed me that he had such a sweet smile even after he had truly suffered through the last week. I still have these pajama pants. I threw them in the bucket for Siah to wear when he fit them. But the first time he put them on, I cried and cried. So I just put them away. I have the number shirt that he wore in one of the first pictures too. They just have too much wrapped into them to see someone else wearing them or to get rid of them. I think I am going to get them made into something for Micah someday.
This was a little later. I only know that because I can see the scars from his shingles. He was all healed up. He was so much fun. He took a lot of tubs. I laughed when I saw this picture. We had to get in line for a bath and between each bather, we had to do a thorough clean of the tub. I remember this time, I washed everything down and went to get my little Micah and another family took the tub. Micah and I were like - What just happened? But we just laughed and waited. It's amazing what becomes small when you are dealing with big. We were heading into a time when his lungs started to take on water from radiation damage. This time was a bit of a reprieve.
The fantastic four hanging out while Micah was inpatient for treatment. He was in for 5 days every three weeks with out patient treatment the other weeks. This was a few months after Micah had water on the lungs. They put him on heavy steroids. It was a blessing in a way. In the picture above he was .5 of a pound away from a feeding tube. The steroids helped him avoid that. A feeding tube would have been very difficult for him mentally. I'm sad that his lungs are damaged from the radiaiton. But the Lord used the radiation as means for healing and life and the need for sterioids saved him from mental distress. So in the moment, they were both a blessing. He will have to live the rest of his life with a lung diesase that he got form the radiation, but the Lord knows Micah's future and He is always good.
All done the first time in 2009. We were getting his port out. It was a day of celebration. I love this picture so much .Going into the OR this time was so much easier than when I went in for his first big tumor surgery. A kiss and a see you in a few hours was very different than wondering if he would come out alive. There was so much hope here, without a thought of recurrance in our mind. This is September. Little did we know that he would be back in 8-10 weeks getting his port put back in. We thought we had walked through the valley already for the last 18 months. But the Lord was just preparing us for something more difficult than we could even imagine.
A few weeks after relapse we got our family pictures done. I was 11 weeks pregnant with Grace. We thought these might be our last family pictures while Micah was looking healthy. Looking at these next few makes me weep, but also makes me so thankful that they weren't the last ones.
Natalie (6) and Micah (8)
Josh (12) and Micah
Josiah (4) and Micah
This is the first day that his tubes were out from his big lung surgery in March 2010. It was the first time he sat up, had pants and a smile. These were his favourite ladies. Veronica, his art therapist. Barb, his case manager and his favourite nurse, Julie. Barb passed away while we were in Grand Rapids from cancer. I remermber her being uncharactistically distracted just before we moved and I knew something was up, I just couldnt' figure out what. We asked for months where she went, but she didn't want all of her hospital kids to know. She emailed me before she passed away and we were able to say some words. Her death broke my heart and still makes me tear up 7 years later as I write this. She was such a beautiful heart and she was 'my person' at the hospital and she genuinely loved Micah. She was doing her job taking care of us, but our relationship was forged in fire and was something very special.
Micah's pain for the first 5 days was off the charts. After an hour of being in his room, they moved his roommate out. They realized that this was going to be tough. The epidural wasn't working and they didn't get it working until the surgeon came in and bellowed - I promised Micah no pain, now make it happen!!! I appreciated his strong presence at that moment because I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Over the last years, I was Micah's soft place to land and his advocate and care giver and generally had always been quite measured and in control at the hospital. If I didn't feel in control, I would step out and go to the bathroom to scream and cry silently and then I would come back. But this was just too much for me to watch. I was feeling frantic. His lungs were working at separate times. Watching him breath made me hyperventalate. He had an oxygen mask by his head that he could hold to his face if he felt like he needed it. It became his security and he slept holding on to it. I still have that mask. He couldn't handle any visitors. His resting heart rate was exceptionally high for the first days as he battled the pain. The room was quiet and dark for about 5 days. Ken and I traded off in the morning and evening and just slipped in and out quietly, only getting reprieve from my parents a few times so we could walk together and see the kids at the same time for a bit. At this time, I was wondering if we had made the wrong decision. He was suffering more than I had ever seen. I hated that room. The first time through treatment, it was the room we all looked at from down the hall. We saw families leave their child in that room after they passed away. We watched nurses lean against the wall and cry after they lost a patient and we all quietly grieved with them. The mom's who were inpaitent with their kids would all exchnge glances. We felt for the families and the nurses, but there was also another element of grief. Would that be one us in the next months? So coming back to the hospital 9 months later and being put in that room was hard for me. The reason we were put in that room was practicality. We had a nurse sitting in for the first few days around the clock. The room was nice and big. We weren't at the end of life stage, but I struggled with what it had always represented in the past.
This is one of my favourites. Our eyes are exactly the same color. This was 5 months after relapse. He was still recovering from his lung surgery. I was 36 weeks pregnant with Grace. My sister, Tori moved her wedding from September to May because we didn't know what September would look like. We expected that the cancer would be back by that time. So this is May 2010. It's now January 2022. Can you believe that he has been cancer free since? I can hardly comprehend it.
Summer 2010. My boy back in his element. He was still recovering, but he was doing so well.
Fall 2010. 8 years old. My beautiful boy looking so healthy
They left Micah's port in for a year and a half after his lung surgery. He finally got it out a month after we moved to Grand Rapids. We were at my parents here recovering for a day before we made the drive back. I love pictures of my boys together especially when they are silly.
July 4rth fireworks. One year we went 4 nights in a row to fireworks. The Americans sure know how to celebrate! (: Micah was really starting to get strong again here. I am thinking that this is July 2013. So he would have been 11.
Micah's 12th birthday. I remember the feelings that my eyes are saying here. I was so thankful. 12 felt so big.
Little league was fantastic in the States. One year, Micah made the Little League All Star team. That was a pretty big deal. I think he still has this jersey. I look at those white pants and shutter. I hate white baseball pants. They are so hard to keep clean especially when they play on red clay dirty dirt.
This is the summer of 2013. We played baseball everynight as a family behind our house on the school field. It's one of my favourite memories. There were lots of dirty feet and laughs. These were such good days. It's funny to think that Tessa wasn't even a thought at this point.
Ken did his internship in BC in 2015. The kids and I love the ocean. Micah was 13 here.
In Victoria BC. This was a special moment for us. We feel such a connection to Terry Fox. I think it's because he gave so much.
Micah is 15 here.
Micah was 16 when he started umping.
I have been trying to figure out how old he is here and I have no idea. I was hoping for 17 or 18, but I don't think so. (:
Ken, Micah and Siah went on a hike this past summer to raise money for POGO. They hiked the Giant in Thunder Bay. It was beautiful. But they sure exhausted when they got home. But they raised almost $7,000. Excuse Siah here, he was tired and he's not a fan of pictures and I don't think he was ready!
Terry Fox in Thunder Bay.
Micah this past summer. He was fishing with Elijah Bouma. This picture is pure joy to me.
The God who looks at the mountains and they shake is the One who has cared for Micah and for each one of His days. We trust Him and praise Him. Our heavenly Father is faithful and steadfast!
His Steadfast Love Endures Forever
A Psalm for giving thanks. Psalm 100
Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!
Serve the Lord with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
Know that the Lord, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
For the Lord is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.
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