Randoms

Today was dentist day for the kids. We spent 2 hours at the health unit. Because we don't have benifits we qualify to get a cleaning/check up for the kids for free. If they have cavities, they also get fillings for free. This is the second time we have gone. I wish we would have known about this a few years ago.  This is truly a blessing for us. Our kids don't' have fabulously strong teeth. They are expensive. Today there were no fillings needed! Yay. For the older three it's probably because there are no more teeth to be filled! (O:

This is odd to me, but in the dental office there is also a sexual health clinic. You wouldn't know it by looking at it. It is a space truly made for kids. As I was waiting at the desk to make an appointment for next year I noticed the form you have to fill out for the sexual health clinic. You have to check a box to tell them why you want to see a nurse. One of the boxes gave the option to get a morning after pill. You can seriously walk in there, check that box, talk to a nurse for a few seconds and get that pill? Oh, that makes me so sad.

This is what the 4 looked like just before we left. Josh was in no mood to get his picture taken! (O: It's the best one I got. I am not sure about necklaces on boys and men. It reeeeeeally doesn't appeal to me. I think it's kind of gross looking. But this one might be ok on Micah. After all it's the same kind baseball players wear. That MUST make it awesome like!  (O: 

I really do love this verse. 

 

Yesterday we found out that we have a house in Grand Rapids. It is a pretty house that should fit us well. It will be ours as of July 1. We were hoping not to have to pay rent until August 1st. But there must be a reason we need to take it July 1. It is an old parsonage, so Ken even gets an office. That is a serious blessing. He gets a quiet place and a spot for all of his stuff! (O: It makes me happy too!

My favourite new thing is taking  pictures of this......

Every night when  I go to tuck in the girls, this is what I find. Grace always crawls in with Nads. It makes my heart jump and gives me joy. They love cuddling up together. Maybe we will get them a double bed sometime. I move her back into her own bed because Grace hogs the bed. I love the last one. I had the full picture posted but I cropped it. Nads was covered, but not quite enough. It shows how Grace puts her hand on Natalie's head and totally spreads out. I love Grace's little lips when she sleeps. (O:

I only have have 35 more days of cleaning our church. That makes me excited. It is a great job that the Lord has blessed us with.  But in the last few years, it`s been hard. It is a family effort and we are quite busy to be begin with. It also makes Sunday a little busy bc we have to open, close and all that goes with it. So that means we need to be there early and stay later  It takes up a lot of head space! I will be so thankful to be able to just focus on Ken, my home, the kids and homeschooling.  (O:

This picture makes me laugh so hard. Ken has a trillion pairs of shoes. There are dress shoes, runners, winter boots, hikers and others. The joy is that he buys them second hand and they each have a purpose. He has brown dress shoes and black ones. He has dressy dress shoes and more casual. He has runners to cut the grass and runner to do gym in.... etc.  He has hundreds of dollars worth of shoes for under 200, bought over the years. But we really don't have room for all of them. So I laid them all out for him to look at for 5 minutes. If you all know Ken and know Siah they are very much a like. Look at Siah thinking along side Ken. Really, so funny! (O: Maybe not so much if you don't know their personalities. I am not making fun of them really. I am laughing with them? hehe.

My house is getting emptier. I have gotten ridden many many things! I have packed 20 boxes of books. Seeing my house like this is making me love my house more and more everyday! It is a simple little place, but my home is so special. We have lived a lot of life here.

I finally found shoes today for my Pips. I found a pair of croc type and a pair of Sunday shoes. I usually do not buy new shoes. Most often I can find them used. But to fit the girl's little fatty feet I had to go to Payless and go for it! (O: She loves her new Sunday shoes. Here she is reading in them.

I dumped out the sock basket and told the kids to start matching. Socks are never ending at our house. Look at Natalie's socks (O:  When the socks aren't folded, everyone just grabs pairs out of the basket. Nata doesn't care if they match or not. She will even go out in public like that! I do encourage them to be presentable, but I like that she doesn't care and likes to be herself! (O:

It was good day. Even though we may have not gotten tons done physically. I did a lot of thinking and organized my mind. Haha, just read that back, it sounds nuts. But really, it's true.

I like this one too.



Have a good night!

The ladies...

I have some picture. These are the last pictures I have taken and they are pretty much just of the girls. I have to be more intentional in taking more pics of the boys! (O;

Nads in her new glasses. She loves this picture because her hair was really curly from braids. Excuse her low shirt. It was the first time she was wearing this shirt and we realized she needed an undershirt after these pics! (o:

 She likes it! 

Yummy shrimp kabobs that Ken made. (marinated in italian dressing. delight.)

I love how she loves her bunny.

Sweet dirty sleeping baby feet!

Nata made mud pies. In typical girly form she put flowers on each one. Love this!

I am trying to figure out how to top last years Father's Day present! This was the best! (It's a garden stone.)

Grace putting the Rescue Heroes to bed on the drive way. 

She is making sure they are sleeping. She is telling them to be quiet! 

Eating yogurt with bunny on the a stool. She is getting big! 

I love these ladies and am so thankful the Lord has given them to me. I pray these girls will grow more and more in the Lord each day.

It's still hard.

I just came across something as I was going through my bottom shelf in my room, that has shaken my heart to the core. It is physically painful to me. So much so, that I asked my mom to take my kids for half hour to work through it.

I can hardly see to write this, but it's a way for me to get it out and put it aside.

I have a whole bunch of Micah's hospital stuff still. I don't want to keep it, but I can't get rid of it .

I came across a sketch pad that he drew on while he was recovering from his first surgery. He was 5. The picture is a hospital bed with Josh sitting on the edge. I even found one with a cathetar, drainage tube and iv pole. He was very observant. This was before we knew forsure it was cancer.

I found his white binder with all the drug info for each of the chemo drugs. It has pages and pages of blood counts, a calendar of all of his appointments, a list of all of his bravery beads in case we lost them and info on his particular kind of cancer.

I found a book I started writing his story in.

I found a binder with the first 3 years of my email updates.

Then I found a little booklet tucked in somewhere that was for Micah to fill out. It was given in the spring of 2010, when the time was getting closer. It had questions like:

• what do you want your family to know
• what kind of books do want them to read to you (when he couldn't talk)
• do you want your doctor to give you enough medicine to stop the pain even if it makes you tired
• would you like to be in the hospital or at home when you die
• how do you want to be remembered

Ohh, this all seems so far away, but not. The pain is very real. 

This type of pain doesn't happen often. But when it does I feel tremendous guilt on top of the pain. I feel that I shouldn't let myself feel it. I feel like a whiner. We have Micah. He is healthy. People are losing kids right now and my heart is in agony because I found a few pieces of paper. 

I know in my mind that it is really OK for me to hurt. That is how we are made. Two years out and we are still healing. We are where we are in the process because this is where God wants us. We learned that  from a very wise woman a few years ago. 

I was reminded by a friend a few minutes ago that God carried us through the last 4.5 years and that He is faithful. He will lift me through this day and this pain too. God is so good and I praise Him for His grace. 

At this minute! (o:

At this minute, this is what my house looks like. I am not sure why I feel the need to share. Someday when I look back I may miss the tornadoes that run through?

Tonight was nuts. It's the first baseball game of the season and Ken got home a little late, so supper didn't really work. I had Nasi made, but Ken and the two boys just grabbed peanut butter sandwiches. I am going to leave everything and try to get the pressure washer started to do the deck.  It is kind of slimy looking and I want to put things on it. I will clean up later!  Usually my house in this state makes me crazy, but today I  just can't care. I don't have time!

 Below is our Granny flat that we use as part of our house. It is our dining room/school room with a big bathroom with laundry. Siah's room is here too. It would be easy to put back into a Granny. You just need the door back on! I am going to miss this light airy room. The windows are nice and big and it always feels sunny in there! It has been a blessing. It is just what we needed!

 Siah's room with a pile of girl clothes I separated to sell. The tote is in his closet. They just didn't make it!

 Wow I like being transparent, but this may be a little too transparent. This is the corner of our lawn that gets dumped on. It is where our garden should be, but we are not doing one this year. These are the piles Ken is making. I am counting on this all being gone with in a week? That would be nice.

 Ah, this one makes me breathe easier! This is the tidy part! (o; It is where the kids do their living.

Have a nice evening! (o;

The Day I Thought I Knew

I wrote this post below last week. I wasn't planning to post it. I just wrote it to get it out of my head. But I changed my mind, I would like to post it. I am not sure why. I think it may just be because it's part of my story.
_________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up on Thurday morning feeling angry. The joy and peace I had felt the morning before had completely disappeared. I chose not to pray or even ask God to help my change my bad attitude. I wanted what I wanted and I didn't get it! I was mad!

That morning was the morning I was supposed be all stomach twirly and so excited. It was the day I had been waiting for - 3 sleeps with just Ken. There were going to be no meals to be made, no school to be taught, no wash, no fights to break up, no church to clean, no hearing Moooooooommmmm..... You get the picture. Just time with my best friend, with no interruptions. A lot of the excitement was taken away by waiting for that phone call.

I had called the afternoon before, leaving a message and explaining to Julie that we were going away for a few days and it would be such a blessing if she could call by 10:30. That is the time I was planning to leave to pick Ken up. She did call at 10:30 and told me that she had a prelim report, but wanted to run it by DrZ before she told me the details. She told me she would call me back and not to leave. My ladies are smart and super capable, but it's always best to have a doc look. A few misunderstood words can change everything and be misleading. I don't remember her exact words, but she said something to the effect of, "I need to ask Doc Zelzer if she would be concerned."

I knew then that it didn't say what it usually says.It usually says, "No change from previous....."

Oh, those words made me go hot and cold and put me into survival mode.The words that first came to mind were, "Please Jesus. No."  Kim was there and ready to take over the care of my kids. I told her that it would be a great time for her to take the kids to the park while I packed up the last of my things. Kim knew there something not quite right. But being Kim, she enthusiastically rounded the kids up. We socked and shoed them and sent them out the door.

I sat in the chair and cried for a few minutes and prayed with very few words. I texted my good friend so she could pray. I was also going to call my other sweet friend, because she doesn't text, but I couldn't because I didn't want to use the phone because Julie was going to call. I debated emailing Pastor John, just to chat about it. He is still the guy we would call first, even though he is a plane ride away. I almost feel bad about that because knowing him, he would feel such a burden to sit with us, when that just wouldn't work.  I thought about  updating my blog, or putting something on facebook. It is not often I think twice about asking for prayer.  But it didn't take long for me to decide not to. I didn't even tell my parents or sister. I really didn't know anything. It could be nothing. I didn't want our families and the rest of you to feel the same panic I did and have it turn out to be nothing. Prayer almost always trumps the negatives. But not this time. I was also truthfully able to say that we knew nothing on my blog.

So I waited and tidied the house a little more. I made up my bed with clean sheets for Kim. I made lunch for the kids. 11:15 came and went and I was getting antsy. I finally got the call around 11:30. Just the time I checked my messages on the phone to make sure I didn't miss her call, she called. So I listened to the message and called her back. Doc Z was in after care clinic and didn't have time. I so understood. Really. But I was disappointed. Julie said she would email the next day after the reports were looked at.

I called Ken at school to tell him I would be an hour late, kissed my babies and left.

My heart was heavy and I was scared. I was trying to figure out what to tell Ken. You have to understand that Ken and I tell each other everything. It just is. But when it comes to hospital stuff, things change a little. God has made me different than Ken. God has given me special grace and provides me with incredible strength to look at things objectively or even put it away. Even when I sat and listened to the Doc tell me that Micah was going to die, I could think clearly and ask questions, instead of falling apart immediately. There was always time for that when I got home or sat in the van to drive home. In the middle of devastating days, I could go to the hospital, love Micah, care for him softly and put my heart away for awhile and get the day done. The down side is that it hurt me later. I would fall hard. So much so that sometimes I wouldn't leave the house for a week. It took me longer to deal with things because I didn't often process them as they came. I had to take those experiences out later, feel the pain and work through it.  I often did that by writing my email updates or writing them down for myself. That is how I started writing. I couldn't write at paragraph 5 years ago.

So I decided to tell Ken that the prelim results were in and that Doc Z needed to look at them. The only thing I left out is the word "concerned". I knew it was for the best and that he would not be upset at me. I would tell him after we got the email. Why would I throw a huge heavy weight on his shoulders when we knew nothing conclusive? I didn't feel right about it. IF I needed his support badly, I would have told him.

As I drove that 40 minutes to school, I thought about the fact that I had been scared for the last week that God had been preparing me for something. He always does prepare you, you know, even if you don't realize it. I have been prepared so many times that I can see it happening. The clarity He gives me about His Word and who He is during a time of preparation is startling. The people He surrounds me with and blessings He gives during that time is beautiful.  He equips us.  Now I wasn't sure if He was equipping me for cancer or whether He is growing me for the changes that are going to happen this summer.

So we drove and drove and drove. I really don't like driving! I only asked 2 times how much longer. The first time I asked it was 4 hooooooours. The second time, we only had an hour left! (O: We chatted and looked at the beautiful country that God created.

By the time we arrived at 6pm, I was sure I made the right decision not tell people. I was so thankful that God gave me that wisdom at that time. I was ready to put it away and to enjoy some time with Ken.

I woke today (Friday the 4rth) at 6am and wrote this. Isn't that always the case on a holiday!  I am not annoyed, I will just have a nap 11am! Hehe! But honestly, there is a pit in my stomach. Is today, the day? Is this "THE DAY"? We have had many "the day" in last 4 and a half years. Please Lord may it not be one.
_________________________________________________________________________________

In case you are new, there was no evidence of disease. Praise God.

No words for this sweetness....(o:.

This picture was taken by Kim while Ken and I were away in Collingwood. 

Today

Don't look at my grammar, spelling or the fact that words might be missing or in the wrong spot. I just wanted to write about my day and I only have about 10 minutes! (o:

My day consisted of : kids, de-cluttering, good music, wash, bathroom cleaning,  food network show, saw my sister, mom and nephew, watched Courageous for quiet time, thought about the logistic of being in the States and weighed the options of renting our house out or selling about 55 times.

Today is day 3 of Ken being gone and we are doing just fine! (o;. We are keeping busy.

We watched a "from conception to birth" thing on facebook. Most of it was not real life. Josh and Micah know all the details of conception and birth. Nata knows a little. I was explaining to Siah that an egg and sperm come together to make a baby. I didn't even include that one comes from mom and one from dad. He is way too perceptive to start that now. But he saw the picture of the baby in the sack and it looked like an egg. He said, "I didn't know people could hatch from an egg!" FUNNY BOY. Now to tell you the truth I was too tired to correct him. It's been a long day and I knew for sure he would ask a bajillion questions. So for today he thinks people can hatch from an egg. (o:

The kids and I tackled the basement today. I took about 8 garbage bags out either to go to Goodwill or garbage. My neighbour took 3 of our chairs. My sister came and took some handfuls of stuff as well. It was a good day for her to visit. I was RUTH---LESS today in my quest for less "stuff:". I have never liked stuff.  But life just gets busy. I also bleached the downstairs bathroom. Josh and I moved a dryer upstairs by ourselves. So now there is more room for my totes downstairs. It was heavy, but Josh and I are quite driven when we want to get something done.

Now, my downstairs is brighter and bigger. I still need to do more cleaning. The carpets need to be cleaned and the boys' rooms need to be gone through. But that shouldn't be hard, we do that quite often.  I also need to do a little more in the furnace room, But first  I have to ask Ken in a  super nice way if I can get rid of the rest, after I make him his favourite meal. Really I am just joking. Kind of  I need Ken's opinion on some stuff. I tried really hard not to get rid of anything he would not like me to. We are not fighters. Occasionally we will discuss and we don't always do it the right way, but on the whole things work quite well. I am thankful. BUT, when it comes to getting rid of stuff  it can be a problem. We differ SO much in this area. I am waaaaay on one side and he is waaaaay on the other. We are coming closer to meeting in the middle (and have been married for 15 years). I think it may take another 15 to meet bang in the middle. But our differences are what makes us work so well together. (o:

I have to put some kiddies to bed and finish cleaning up the kitchen. Then I will sit and look at the phone waiting for Ken to call. I can't wait to talk to him.

It's that time....

Yes, it's time that almost all my kid's ages are even. (14, 10, 8, 6, 2) Just Grace needs to turn two yet! (O:  I love even! I am kind of a dork that way.

Yes, it's time that school is winding down. Ken has about 25 (ish?) more teaching days.

Yes, it's time that I start packing and continue to organize and get rid of LOTS of stuff.

Yes, its time that I start seeing if Pips wants to start checking out the toilet.

Yes, it's time that grass and trees are starting to look beautiful. Our red maples bloomed while we were in Collingwood. It sounds silly, but I will miss those trees. They are so beautiful out our front window.

Yes, it's time that baseball practice starts for the boys and that we need to start juggling 3 baseball schedules.

BUT most of all it's time I start to get paranoid about BATS. Indeed. In the spring/summer my kids leave the doors open all the time. In the evening it is easy for bats to scoot in.

Last summer we had a bat in the house and I hid in the bedroom. Ken asked if I would help him and I said, "NOT. A. CHANCE." I am not the squeamish type. But a bat in my house has the potential to make me cry. I am serious! (o:

For A LONG time, if I knew the door was open in the evening even for four minutes, I would go and do a bat search before I went to bed. Picture me peeking behind all the blinds and curtains and in lamp shades etc. Ken laughed at me often.

Look at that picture. I know God made them and they eat bugs.... But they just make me swirly!

I am so thankful that it's done.

There is part of me that wants to do a quick post. I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with Micah, so let's us all be thankful, praise the Lord and move on. My posts for the last 2 weeks have been consumed with concerns and prayer requests and I am ready for cheery! (O:

We are so thankful that through our beautiful boy, God has shown his power and his mercy. He has shown all who have watched, God's character and how He does perform miracles. But I wouldn't be honest or be telling the whole story if I didn't tell you that today was so hard and that I am so emotionally exhausted that I would like to put the covers over my head for a week. The tension of today and last weeks brought me to tears tonight. There were lots of them.

I really did struggle with anger coming home. I was thankful. But when you hear there are details to discuss about a scan, that doesn't sound OK. Details sound negative to me. But everyone uses and perceives words differently. Also on our end, it is easy to look at those words differently than the people on the other end! It just is. It is no ones fault. It happens.

The details were that Micah has a nodule on his lung. Nodule is rarely an OK word. But in this case, it is something he has had since his scans in 2007. It is scar tissue or maybe it's just the way he is made. Once I thought about it, this info is something we already knew.  So all that anticipating  and wondering was for nothing. I am sure there is a reason, I just wish this time it could have been avoided. You know? I think I am going to pray to stop anticipating and wondering and thinking and to just be able to go with the flow. Just take info in when I need to and not think about it other times. That is not my nature, I need details yesterday. But I am not sure that drive is really worth it. Just so you know I am not angry anymore. God changed my perspective. (o:

In Art therapy today we met a girl. She was about 16ish, had a fun new haircut and was in a wheelchair. She was tired. She is doing radiation now. When I look at kids on treatment, I rarely wonder if the Lord will continue to give them life. I just think about the fact that they are on treatment and I pray that God uses it.

Lisa is so dear to me. She is a palliation nurse. I never knew that until we came under her care. I would see her around and wonder what her role was. She spent so much time with us in those 7 months. Her job is to physically and emotionally help children die as comfortably as possible, as well as be a support to the parents. She was that and much more.

As we were crafting Lisa came in. At first I thought she was sticking her head in to say hi. We kind of keep in touch. Those relationships are not easily broken. Quickly I realized that she was coming in to take the new girl for a chat. They had an easy relationship and were comfortable with each other. It hit me so hard that they needed Lisa. There is only one reason for that.  I looked at Lisa, then the girl and then her Dad. Tears welled up so quickly. A minute ago we were chatting and the dad was participating and laughing. In a second things in my eyes changed. I saw the burden on his shoulders. I saw the way his fingers held tightly onto her binder that holds treatment info, side affects and who to call when. I saw that his smile was sad. I watched him as he paced the hall waiting for his little girl to be done chatting.

I have been where that man is. I thought a lot about those times on the way home. It hurt my heart so much. All I could say was thank you Lord, not only for sparing Micah, but also for the growth and blessings that came from that trial. It also made me wonder how I walked that road : All those days at the hospital. The scans and tests. The chemo and the surgery. The waiting.  The mourning. The hoping...... Well, I didn't walk it. I was carried all the way through. It is amazing. My God is amazing.

I am so thankful that today is done. Our boy is healthy. Our last door has been opened in regards to seminary. The Lord willing, off we go as a family of 7. I have also learned new things a long the way. His blessings never grow old to me.

Thank you all for being with us the last few weeks. Thanks for your prayers, comments and emails. God has used you for our comfort and support. What a beautiful thing.

No evidence of disease.....

I just got an email from Micah's doctor. She said there is no "evidence of disease". We are amazingly thankful and praise God for his blessings. 

Micah has an appointment on Monday. He will get blood done and his doctor will check him out. In her email she said that although there is no sign of disease, there are some "details" of the scan we need to discuss. I am not sure what that means.

Thank you for praying and loving us. I almost hesitate to ask. I feel like you have given so much already... But could you please pray that those details are very small ones?

With so much love and thanks,
Ken and Belinda

We  don't have anything yet.. I am leaving to go pick Ken up from school and we are going on to Collingwood to spend some much needed time together. I normally would be squealing and jumping up and down with delight at the prospect of 3 days with Ken alone, just as husband and wife. But we are a little burdened down with the thought of scan results, but are still so thankful for the time we will have together.

But for the fifth time, God's timing is perfect. I know it in my mind very well. I am struggling to feel it in my heart today though. 

I will give you an update as soon as I can.  

Please keep praying for peace. 

Not yet.

I just wanted to let you know that we have no news yet. )O:

I called today at 4:30 and left a message asking them to call me first thing in the morning.

We are very ready to hear the results whatever they are!

We are not incredibly anxious. But we are getting tired. It's a hard to explain tired.

We know for sure that God's hand is in this delay.

I will post in the morning after I talk to someone at the hospital.

Thank you so much for continuing to love us and lift us before the throne of the Almighty.

A new morning.

I have never posted so much in my life! (O: I actually feel like I need to talk to you all. It is a nice feeling. Really.

Today must be the day we find out if our boy is still healthy. Saying that it would be a beautiful blessing doesn't really capture it. I can almost taste those results. He looks so healthy. He has his tired days and sometimes he feels blah and has a stomach ache, but I think that is just how he is now. I wish I could just go on how he looks. But cancer can be deceiving. You just never know.

I just had to tell you that I woke up with sweet peace and dare I say joy! (O: The Lord is answering all your prayers. I feel confident that Micah and our family are in the Lord's hands. Regardless of the road He puts us on: cancer, sorrow and death, or health and seminary, He is good. Anything that happens will be used to strengthen and sanctify us and I pray bring glory to His name.

Micah is struggling a little this morning. He is super tired and a little down. It may be physical or emotional or both. I am not sure. It could even be that Ken and I are leaving for 3 days tomorrow, if all things are well. He doesn't like us to leave him. Ever. He copes well. But would prefer us home.

 The kids have been quite untouched by the waiting. We have not talked out loud about it to be honest. It is too hard on Micah. So Nads, Siah and Grace don't realize. Josh knows. But it is often hard to tell with Micah. Sometimes he loses track of things and time or forgets about things. Other times he is very aware. This morning is piano and gymnastics. He is going to stay home with me. So I will talk with him. Could you pray especially for him this morning?

Nothing

A few people have told me they keeping checking here for results. So I will  give you what I have.

Nothing.

I have nothing! The hospital just called and told me that there is not even any prelim results. It is odd. We usually have prelims with in a few days, 3 tops. I am truly thankful they called. That was very considerate of them to let me know they didn't forget to look. I appreciate that so much.

So we wait and pray. Truthfully, I have had a hard day. My tears are close to the surface and my mind is wondering to the what ifs. Really, if could simply be back log at the hospital. It probably is.

I know God is faithful and there is a reason it is taking so long. We may never know why but, nothing is for nothing. Or everything is for something. Those last two lines make sense to me, even if they don't to you! (O:

Tomorrow must be the day.

I came across a picture today that is pretty old. It was from September 2010. It was taken on my 34th birthday. I have posted it before. But it made me smile again. The people in it are literally and figuratively messy and  imperfect. The picture quality is equally as messy and fuzzy. But it is still my favourite of all time! This is who we are... shirts backwards, no clothes, pajamas...I think we may be a little crazier than we seem!  (O:

Not yet.....

Hmmm.... I don't really know what to say. But I just need to write something.

Today we did school in a most normal way. The kids went to my parents (across the street) for a pizza lunch. I appreciated that and the kids love it too. While they were gone I enjoyed the quiet and baked some cookies. It sounds very Leave it to Beaverish. Hehe. That is not me at all. (O: Ken just took the 4 kids to library just to give me a little time on my own. He does things like that all the time. He is a special man.

Ken and I feel kind of suspended in the day today. We are unable to move forward in our minds beyond tomorrow. Ken and I have a crazy fun 3 days outing planned at the end of this week. We have been trying to do this for a year. We got a super cheap get away, but it has never worked to use it. It makes me scream with delight. I have been looking forward to this for a loooooong time. But today I can't see it. We could go to Marineland on a homeschool trip and need to sign up by tonight, but I can't yet. I have been invited to a girl's sleep over/conference with some cousins and I can't commit. We can't sell our house or give our notice to quit the church until we hear these results.I feel like everything has stopped. I may say this every time, but this scan seems monumental to us.

I have so many thoughts running through my head. This is the first scan that we haven't had an XRAY in between scans. The past winter was hard on Micah and he always had chest congestion that we had to get checked out. So I kind of had a heads up that all things were clear. I think that was the case for the last 3 scans. So this time it has truly been a full three months that his lungs were looked at. I am pretty sure it's been a year since his abdomen and pelvis were looked at.

There is a part of me that thinks that of course there is nothing there. God wouldn't have brought us this far to give Micah cancer again and stop our plans to move forward to seminary. Going into the ministry is God's plan, not ours. That wouldn't be logical. But I really can't tell God what is logical or right. It is not my place. Who am I?

To me another relapse in a way would be unexpected.  But in this journey we have traveled, we have learned to expect the unexpected.....

Cancer was unexpected.
The fact that it had spread so far was really unexpected, even to the docs.
Healing the first time was unexpected.
Lung complications were unexpected.
Relapse was unexpected.
The fast growth was unexpected.
The surgery was unexpected.
The miracle of healing was unexpected.
The immense growth of Ken and I spiritually was unexpected.
The many many friends we have made and the support we have received was unexpected.
The incredible blessings that are too many to name were very unexpected.

We have learned that our 10 year plan doesn't usually work out. In the good times and bad we can't predict what is going to happen. We are in His hands. We just need to just get on our knees, ask the Lord to open our eyes to our blessings, thank the Lord for those unexpected blessings, hold on and let him carry us through the unexpected sorrows.

We are actually doing OK. We are a little thoughtful and subdued, but we are trusting. I have my minutes of panic, not hours or days. God is giving us strength and grace. He has given us the desire to turn to Him instead of trying to figure it out ourselves. We know that God is good, faithful and His plans and timing are perfect. Nothing is unexpected to Him.

One thing I have never thought to pray for is the Doctor who reads the scan. I am going to pray for him a lot in the next day. I will pray that God will give him wisdom and clarity as he reads Micah's scan. I will pray that if there is something even so small that he will see it.

I was truly overwhelmed on facebook today when I asked for prayer. I know people support us and pray for us. But the way we are immediately surrounded and held up in prayer is a beautiful gift and it is something I don't take for granted. Thank you.

I am praying that I will be able to tell you all tomorrow, that Micah is perfectly healthy and that the Lord answered our prayers with a clear scan.

Things are so quiet here tonight. The boys went across the street to watch a Jays game. Nattie and Siah are cuddling in bed watching a few little cartoons on an ipod before sleep time. Pips is sleeping and Ken is at school. Tonight is the grand opening night for ORCS's new building. But it didn't work out for the kids and I to go because Ken needed the van to go to Brantford for volleyball this afternoon. Ken would have had to drive from Brantford to school to home and back to school and home again. That is just too much driving. )O:

We haven't gotten any results yet. It is a little sad to go through a weekend without knowing. But we are resting quietly in His hands. God is so good. His ways are perfect. Hopefully on Monday we will get a call. If not, I will call them in the afternoon.

I was going through some pics of the last few weeks and would like to share my little people with you.

A little girl fresh out of the bath, all clean and ready for bed. 

Natalie waiting to blow out her candle. She is getting so big. 

I dont' know why I love this one so much. Her big hair, her eating an apple, her cute shirt and the way she holds bunny just makes me smile! 

This is my nephew Jack. We had him over for a day while Tori was in a wedding. He is smiling here, but he sure gave Ken a run for his money when I was gone. 

Look at Jack's sad eyes here. He cried and cried. Ken was pushing him around our  living room dining room circle.  Grace thought it was great! (O:

Josiah longs for this big bag of cheesies when we go shopping.We happened to be picking up a few things on his birthday from the grocery store and I put it in the cart for him as a treat and he jumped up and down pretty high! 

Yes, Siah picked apple pie for his candles. What an individual. He is fun! Excuse Josh he jumped in this picture like a crazy. (O:

Grace's favourite lunch - cucumber, tomatoes, cheese and chicken. (O:

Josh saved all his roll up the rim cups to roll on his birthday. That is such crazy self control! He had 30 cups and he won either 5 or 6 times!  Looking at all that stacked stuff in the background makes me thankful I just decluttered all of that. That is all cut in half now! (O:

My hard working boy!

Grace escaped the house naked. She is holding bunny just perfectly for me to post this! (O:

Would you please continue to pray for us as we wait for results. Thank you ........

Mmmm, a song.

We are waiting for results. 

I am having a bit of a tough day. The excitement of having the scan done and it going so well has worn off. I am still thankful for His blessings but waiting is hard. I called this morning to ask my case manager, Barb to check but she is not there. She has been gone past her holidays by a few weeks and I am a little worried. She is so dear to us. When I asked, they said they don't know when she is coming back. I hope everything is fine. Julie, who is also a love and Micah's all time favourite nurse is stepping in as a case manager, will look for us today or tomorrow. 

The mind and Satan are quick to play tricks in my weakness. Thoughts swirl... Is she not calling because the prelim reports says there may be something? Is she waiting until the final report is read to get a forsure if that is the case. Is she waiting to let our Doc call.... etc. It is all irrational. It is only just over 48 hours since the scan. It is probably not in the system yet. Julie is very busy, she may not have had a chance. They are not sitting around waiting for our results. I guess those scenerios may be correct but I need to focus on the truth, The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1. He is holding us in His hands and will not let us go regardless of the next days or weeks or years.  I know it for sure. 

I found a few songs this afternoon that really have been a blessing to me. I was looking at Tim Challies' blog and he recommending some music. I clicked on the first group called, Jenny and Tyler. I listened to a few of their songs and found Psalm 86, which was a delight, but is not on you tube. It is now snugly down loaded into my itunes. The other is Psalm 46, found here on You Tube. I think I like Psalm 86 best. You can listen to a snippet here on Amazon.

The music is pretty and so simple, maybe even a little folksy. The words are direct and also simple.  It is a little different. I can see people really not liking it or loving it. It may be an either or thing. I like different. (O: Have a listen! 

Scan day is done.

The Lord answered our prayers in such a big way today.

We got to the hospital at 8:20. Before we went in, we stopped for a moment and prayed together in the van.  Micah cried then, but they were the only tears I saw today. We only had to wait  for 10 minutes to be brought back. It was nice that they were the same people as we had last time. They are AMAZING. I really appreciate their kindness and competence.

The lady gave Micah an IV and then they tucked him in on the table. He picked a Narnia CD to listen to. I sat in a rocking chair beside him and read. I am so thankful I could sit with him, since there is no radiation in an MRI. I could only really see his the top of his head and his arms. I looked at Micah's head every 2 pages looking for tears running down the sides of his face and looked at his hands to see if they were clenching. But he was so relaxed and his breathing was even. He held his breath when required and was super still. Micah told me he even dozed a little towards the end.

I had ear plugs in because it is very loud and I didn't even hear the lady come in. All of the sudden is was over. Micah and I both said, "Really?" almost at the same time and in the same high pitch questioning voice! (O: It took 40 minutes. They were thinking it could take up to 1.5 hours. But because Micah did not move one time, they got everything they needed the first time. Micah and I smiled really really big and I thanked the Lord over and over.

After Micah was dressed, he was very hungry so we sat at the Tims and had some breakfast. I talked to him about the fact that many individual people were praying for him, but also that groups of people were praying for us this morning as we went through scan time. We also talked about how God answered all of our prayers. He gave us even more than we asked for.  It honestly made me so teary as we talked about it. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for our beautiful community who was praying and at our gracious God who answered. I had a hard time not bursting into tears. I tried to keep them in because they wouldn't have been silent tears, it would have been an all out cry. (O:

We also had an opportunity to go to Art Therapy after Micah got his port flushed. We love Art Therapy. I was also very excited to see a Child Life Specialist who spent so much time with us in the past. Deborah has such a special place in our heart. She saw Micah and I through so many hard times the first time around. Micah mentioned many things she was there for:  bone marrow testing, before surgery, getting tattoos for radiation, playing games while in patient and while in PMDU on long days. She was very perceptive to what we needed when and just understood and was such a comfort. Her presence got me through days, when I didn't think I was going to make it through. When we were impatient sometimes she would sit and chat with me. She became a friend. What a blessing! (O: God has used so many people in our lives. I think it's beautiful.

Micah and I went out for lunch and to Value Village on the way home. (Just so you know: 3 pairs of pants for Micah, 4 for Grace, coat for Siah and Nads, a picture for Micah and 3 pairs jammies for Grace, all great quality and condition for 45$. I really needed that stuff - God's provision! (O:)

So we are tired. But it was a great day. I am hoping for results by Friday. I will maybe even call Thursday. I will let you all know.

I thank the Lord for you and your prayers.  

Scan Day

Well, tomorrow is scan day. It has come up kind of fast. Strangely I am looking forward to it. I have been trying to figure out why. Maybe it's because it will be done and we can get results.  Maybe it's because I feel better doing something instead of waiting for the day to come.  Maybe it's because I am going to try to make it a day out for Micah. After the scan, I am hoping he can spend a little time in Art therapy. Then we decided to let him pick any place he wants to go to have lunch, so he has something to look forward to. He picked the Mandarin! He will be soo hungry! (O: Maybe it is just a special gift from the Lord to be so relaxed.

Saying that I feel better doing something instead of just waiting, really made me think of the days of relapse. I really didn't like being at home. It was too hard. Some days being at home seemed like a waste of time. I felt I was doing something tangible when we went to the hospital. I remember my shoulders dropping with relief when we walked into PMDU. Strangely there was less pain there. There it also seemed more normal to have a son who may die. There were people there who completely understood and didn't ask questions. I didn't have to explain medical things to anyone.  Micah was cared for and was able to go to Art Therapy to craft, which was a comfort to him.. Also, home reminded me of what we were possibly going to lose. There were times I couldn't sit with Micah cuddled up to me (But other times I would sit for hours with him, just needing to feel him close.) I would make an excuse and get up because the way Micah fit perfectly into my side and the feel of his little body hurt too much. I wondered when the last time would be. Seeing him playing with kids always brought tears. Seeing all the kids around the table and imaging an empty chair within  3 months was hard to comprehend.  Home was hard and I don't think I have ever been able to articulate that. I don't think I even realized it myself until I wrote this paragraph just now.

Anyways..... We are leaving at 7:45 on Tuesday morning for the hospital. The scan is at 8:30am and should last till at least 10am. Could you please pray for my Micah?  It is hard for him in so many ways. Please pray that he will have peace and feel the Lord near. If it doesn't go well, he will need me. Please pray that I will be given strength to hold his hand and be an encouragement to him. Please pray that I will not feel anxious leaving the hospital knowing there are pictures of his little body on a computer waiting to be read. I often feel that way. Knowing there is an answer there, but having no access to it makes me tense.

God is so good whether Micah is cancer free or not. Nothing surprises Him. He knows and loves Micah and has a special plan for his life, whether He chooses 80 years or 10 years for it to be complete. We trust Him in every way and ask for His will to be done. But we pray God's will is a long life for our boy.

Thank you for praying. I will let you all know how the scan went. We appreciate you all so much!

A little love...

I was just going to do a facebook status, but decided that I would rather post it here in "my little space"!

I am feeling intense gratitude for my little family.

Ken, Josh, Micah, Naddie, Siah and Grace, I LOVE YOU! I am so thankful that the Lord gave you all to me! 

We have a 6 year old again!

Alrighty then.... This is the third and last birthday in April! We have a 2, 10 and 20! (O:

Josiah was born sometime in the afternoon on April 20, 2006. It seems so long ago. It was an odd birth. I was 9 cm dilated before I started having contractions. Just before I was fully dilated, Siah's heart rate dropped and the midwives were yelling for me to push him out. It was awful. It was quick and scary. He came out looking like this....

After a couple hours he reddened up a little, but was still white around his eyes. They wanted me to skin to skin with him, but I said no. Looking back, I can't even believe it. I had no feelings for him. I just gave him to Ken. I am not sure why. Someone could have taken him, even when he was a few months old and I would have been fine with that. It made me sad, but it just was. It took me a while to love him, but once I did, I really loved him! (O:

I remember thinking when I took this picture that 4 kids was a lot! (O: I have been trying to remember at what age Natalie cried all the time and threw tantrums. Looking at this picture I think it was at this age. She was 2 when Siah was born and she would thrash. I struggled with her.

I was most overwhelmed with my kids at this time.  Josh was in grade 2 and I was homeschooling and cleaning the church.  Micah was 4 and a challenge like no other. You wouldn't believe the stories I could tell you. Your eyebrows would raise really high! That gleam in his eye..... is a bad one. It sounds mean, but really it's true. (I have also forgotten how thick his hair was. What a great head of hair! (O: It never came back thick.) Natalie was at a tough age and realizing that disobeying is more interesting than obeying and Siah came with all the new born demands. Josh was the only one who was independent and dependable. I am pretty sure Ken came home to a wife in tears more than once! Anyways.... back to Siah! (O:

He was a beautiful little guy. His eyes were blue for a long time. Then green for a while and now have settled into a light brown. I thought we may have a blue eyed boy!

In the picture below is how old Siah was when Micah got sick. I forgot he was so little. He was such an easy little guy. I could just drop him off any where. As long as he had his soother, he was all good. It was a blessing that I didn't have to be wondering how Siah was doing when I was at the hospital with Micah. He was younger than Grace is now. Looking at this picture, makes me smile. I must have had more to worry about than crumbs on the couch. They must have been watching something! (O:

Josiah is so quirky. He makes us laugh so often. I can't even count the times we have laughed so hard at him. He looks at things so differently than every one else and when he thinks whatever is running through his mind, he usually says it, no matter where we are. He loves to learn and is very independent in school. I am not even sure what I have had to teach him so far in Kindergarten. I am quite serious!

The boys in my sister Tori's wedding in Spring of 2010. Micah looks so good. It is about 6 weeks after surgery. What a blessing to have my boys together.

Siah is quite careless. He runs around chasing people with hammers and sharp things he finds outside. He just doesn't have a grasp of the consequences. He scares me a little. I have asked him so many times if what he is doing is a wise decision. After he thinks about it, he agrees it's not and apologizes and feels bad right away. He actually will hang his head. He is learning.  He also is rather uncouth. He is very free with his bodily functions and thinks nothing of it. When we were at the eye doc the other day looking at glasses with Nads, he just let one go. I looked at him with unbelief and he just shrugged his shoulders. He doesn't think it's funny or he doesn't do it to get attention. It is just necessary (according to him). We are working on it! (O: Those are magnets on his nose! (O:

Siah and Trent. Siah has 4 good friends. His cousins Keagan and Trenten, and his second cousins, Esme and Ethan.

Although he is sometimes foolish, Siah is a very sensitive boy. His heart is sensitive and he crumbles at a stern word or any sort of discipline.For the first 5 years I hardly had to discipline him. His response was always, "Yes Mom.", to the point that I had to get other people in trouble for making fun of his obedience. It is quite special. He is so sincere.  His heart is tender to spiritual things and he loves the Lord. He understands so much already. The Lord is working in him and we are so thankful.

Josiah truly is a pleasure and I can't wait to watch him grow! (O: