Broken

November 27, 2020. We got a call from Micah at about 10pm telling us that the van he was in (not ours) was in the middle of the road and that they would need a tow truck. By our conversation, I got that the van broke down. The three younger kids were sleeping. Ken had just put some croquettes from our VMS friends in the oven for a snack and we were just hanging out together. I took the car and Ken took the van, anticipating that Ken would wait with the boys for a tow truck and I would bring Natalie and her friend back to our house. Just after I turned onto Sunset, Micah called me and told me to not be upset when I got there because they had to call it in and there were emergency vehicles with them. They were all ok. It's all ok. He was kind to warn me. But I actually wasn't prepared. 

I drove down Sparta Line past the golf course, rounded a few bends, and stopped at the top of the hill. I had just driven through the dark of the back roads and all of the sudden the darkness was filled with flashing lights from ambulances, police cars and fire trucks. There was a police car, ambulance and firetruck at the top of the hill and a set of the three at the bottom of the hill. I walked past a fire truck and police car to Natalie, who was in the ambulance. She seemed ok, but they were monitoring her and she had a neck brace on. I hugged Nat's friend and made sure the boys were ok. After I talked to the kids, I breathed a little easier. Ken arrived just after me and was talking to a policeman. Natalie's friend got into the ambulance with her at the top of the hill to be checked over and the boys went to the ambulance at the bottom of the hill. Ken and I left the girls to check on the boys. As we walked to the bottom of the hill, we had to pass the van. It was in the middle of everything and it was a little darker and very quiet there. As we walked up to it, our breath was taken away. The windows were broken out and the air bags were blowing out the windows in the wind. It shocked us and made us realize just how bad it could have been. Ken and I hugged and thanked the Lord for sparing the 4 kids. I cried for about 10 seconds and walked on to the ambulance. The driver was checked out and released, but Micah had to stay in. His heart rate went up to 250. That is an unbelievable number. He explained to them before they took his heart rate that the wiring in his heart is a bit messed up from treatment and that we had just recently found out that one his heart valves is leaking and has thickened and every once in a while his heart rate misbehaves and at this moment - He is having an episode. He told them not to worry and that it should calm down on its own. It always does at home. Because of Micah's history and personality, he takes things pretty calmly. The ambulance people were not as calm and 250 is beyond anything that we have ever seen. They wanted him to lay down in case something happened and they needed to work on him, but my boy told them he would be ok sitting in the seat. He didn't want to make a fuss. It kind of makes me laugh and cry at the same time, but I told him to listen next time.  

Ken was going to stay with the driver because he is from Woodstock and it would be a bit before his parents could get there.  He is a sweet guy and was very shaken. I was going to follow the 2 girls and Micah to the hospital, so I ran back up the hill, jumped in the car and started towards the hospital. 5 minutes down the road, I started to cry. Then I started to hyperventilate and then I started to scream uncontrollably. It's like I broke. This isn't the first trauma that I have been through, but I have never had this bodily reaction before. I was trying to tell myself that the 4 kids were all ok. If something happened to Micah's heart, he was in the right place. The Lord has this. But no matter how much I tried to talk/pray myself out of it, I couldn't stop. I texted a friend because I was thinking that she would have to come get me on the side of the road. With the Lord's help, I quieted and was able to drive again. It was always my worst nightmare to drive behind an ambulance with Micah in it when he had cancer. Now I had 2 kids in 2 difference ambulances and I think it was just too much for me to process. 

I was very calm by the time that I got to the hospital. The Lord was there. In my mind, I had stuff to do and kids to take care of. It always feels better to be doing something and in some way, the hospital is a comfortable place for me. Even though Nat and Car are minors, they wouldn't let me in. I wasn't super happy about that. They were both shaken and could use a hug and someone near. They were gracious enough to let me sit in a waiting area that is just inside the door, instead of making me sit in the car. Since the girls were in the middle of the van with no seatbelt, and the van rolled at least 2 times, they had to be checked over thoroughly with ultrsounds and x-rays.  Even though Micah had his seatbelt on, they checked him for internal bleeding too. They looked at his history, hooked him up to heart monitors and did blood work. His heart calmed down on it's own and didn't need any help. The doc called me while I was inside the hospital (kind of weird) and told me that she would call if there was a problem and would call when they were ready to go. We live 5 minutes from the hospital, so I just went home. An hour later, I went and picked up Natalie's friend and I took her back to my house, where her dad and brother came to pick her up. At about 2 am, they called to tell us that we could pick  Micah and Natalie up. Micah was completely fine. The girls were bruised and sore, but the only actual injury was Natalie's hand. She must have smacked it on the window or roof as they were going around. She still has a lot of pain in her thumb area. We have been to the Upper Limb clinic in London and have gone for tons of tests. She did physio for 6 months and then occupational therapy for a bit, but nothing has helped. It's quite a problem for her. She is very limited with it. She can hardly turn a key in a lock. I sure hope that with time it heals. The Lord's hand was on those kids that night. They could have hit the live trees instead of the dead ones. One of the girls could have fallen out one of the windows. It could have been the part of the road that had a big ditch, instead of them going up a hill and rolling back down. It could have been so much worse. We were so thankful and still are.

I was tired and a little shaky the next few days. But that Monday night after doing a Bible study with a few of my friends at church, I noticed that I couldn't control the pace of my talking or even my voice while I was praying. I thought I was just tired. But when I got home, I had a panic attack. It's the first time ever in my life. Most people have no idea that I've been struggling. It's not that obvious and it's not always there. I have weeks that I feel completely myself, but I also have weeks that I feel very off -  A stone in my chest, an ache in my belly, heavier breathing, tears and exhaustion. Panic attacks are few because I can usually feel them starting to form and often with breathing and prayer I can get on top of them. It can come on when I am too busy or tired or when I am happy and get too excited. It can overwhelm when I am somewhere crowded or when I am just at home sitting on my couch. Sometimes, I can be going about my day and I can hear and feel myself weeping inside for no reason. That happens when I am not even sad, but it makes me sad. My adrenaline got stuck in overdrive and my adrenals crashed. My body always thinks there is an emergency. I can talk to myself all day long and tell my body that there is nothing wrong, but it doesn't listen to my heart and mind. I am doing counselling and am also going to a Natural Path and she is helping me find things to bring my adrenaline down and heal my adrenals. She has been a tremendous blessing. 

We have had a tough 13 years. Cancer for a few years. Recovery took a few more years. Parents of kids that have gone through medical stuff are often left with PTSD/trauma. I don't use that word lightly. It just is. We were really hurt about 5 years ago. It's a complicated hurt and one that hasn't gone away for us and the healing is slow. All of those years, I was very thankful that the Lord kept me close and kept me standing strong and coping well. He was very kind to me. I think that the accident pushed me over the edge. My body, heart and mind hit their limit of what they could take. Breaking like this has really humbled me. At first, I thought and still sometimes struggle with  - What is wrong with me? Am I not trusting enough? Am I a loser? Why can't I just talk my body into cooperating and suck it up? Why do I feel so less and weak? When I pray and pray why doesn't He take it away?  In my weakness, I have learned to ask for help, know my limits and to be ok with setting limits. I am learning to give myself grace and treat myself kindly. I have started to depend on the Lord in a different way. He is coming near to me and teaching me. 

This post has sat in my drafts since March. I wasn't ready to write before that and I haven't been ready to share until now. It's hard to share these things. But I have learned over the years that sharing is good. I don't share for sympathy. That is my biggest reservation in being so vulnerable. I want you to know that my life is beautiful and blessed, but also hard. After an earlier post that hinted at struggle, people contacted me and thanked me for putting it out there. They shared their story of sadness and anxiety and we could encourage each other. To me, that is part of what the family of Christ is. I think that if we break down our walls, our struggles will become less isolating. If we all stay plastic people that are always 'fine', we miss out on walking together. 

I have longed for heaven since Micah relapsed. I would beg Jesus to come back in those dark days. The longing isn't so acute, but being heavenly minded hasn't left me. Life is beautiful and the Lord has me here at this time for a purpose and I pray for faithfulness in what ever He has put before me. I love my family, my friends and church. The Lord has blessed me with many gifts. But the reality of a broken world is hard. Sickness. Sadness. Brokenness. Sin. It's like a marathon and sometimes the next mile just seems too hard. Eternity at the feet of Jesus sounds so beautiful to me. But our hard miles are doable, one step at a time, because He is faithful.  He has gone before us and is in each day. His promises are true. His grace, strength and mercy are abundant and His character is dependable. Now that is something to hold onto.