Remembering 11 years ago

Today is the 11th anniversary of Micah’s big lung surgery. We have had lots of hard days, but I think this one might have been the most difficult. We trusted the outcome to our sovereign and tender heavenly Father, but our hearts suffered with questions. Could this be the day? Could it be the day that the Lord was going to take Micah to heaven?

On the fourth Monday in March, Micah went in for his weekly treatment. His oncologist told us that day that the tumor was continuing to grow and that his only chance was surgery. If we didn't do the surgery, he would only have a few months left with us. They had an OR time booked for him that Thursday and we had to tell them our decision as soon as possible. We were hoping for surgery, but not this way. When he relapsed, the tumor in his lungs was already too big to be taken out. Since he had used all of the drugs the first time around, all he could try was some oral chemo. We were hoping the oral chemo would shrink it enough to then have surgery. A last chance surgery sounded risky to me. It would weaken him significantly and they almost guaranteed that it would come back. When it did, there was nothing that we would be able to do. They expected that it could even come back within a few months. I thought - Why would we put him through that when he could have a few good months left? Why make him suffer more if the end point is still the same? Ken couldn't even entertain not doing the surgery. Not doing the surgery was letting him go and in his mind it wasn't time yet. Pastor John echoed his sentiment - Why not try for life?

(As I write this, I am listening to a playlist on Amazon Music. It’s one that they have picked out from my preferences. The song, I Can Only Imagine just came on. It makes me laugh and cry at how fitting it is. After Micah relapsed, he and I spent a lot of time talking about heaven. We talked about how he would love it there, that our hearts would have an empty spot without him, but that he wouldn’t miss us and would be exactly where he belongs - Home. From the moment he went to heaven, we would be waiting for the time that we could join him. We would come as soon as the Lord let us. We would play this song and sometimes my 8 year old, who was bound for heaven in the next months, would be singing it with all of his strength and there was such raw beauty and pain in those moments. 

(Condensed)

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk by your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes would see

When your face is before me

Surrounded by your glory

What will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of You be still

Will I stand in your presence

To my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah

Will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

When that day comes

And I find myself

Standing in the sun

I can only imagine

When all I will do

Is forever worship you.)

Letting him go into surgery was excruciating. In that moment, our hearts broke in a different way than they had in the past. He was calm, but I knew he was scared and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix anything. We prayed with him and gave him to the Lord. I remember looking deeply into his brown eyes and touching his soft white cheek. I was trying to memorize him. The surgery went two hours over the time that they had booked. It was such sweet relief when they came out and told us that all was well. I almost sank to the floor. It was like a weight rolled off of my shoulders. The first leg was done.

The time after surgery was so difficult. His lungs were working at different times. Watching one side of his chest go up and then the other was unnerving. His heartrate was incredibly high. His eyes even changed color from the strain. Right after he got up to his room, his epidural stopped working. It's the first time that I ever raised my voice at a nurse or even had angry thoughts in this way. Nurses were our friends and we worked closely with them over our years there and appreciated them so much. But his nurse knew nothing about epidurals and we needed someone to fix it. Now. Micah was still half under from surgery, but it was so evident that he was in intense pain and I couldn't hold my panic in. I could normally compartmentalize and care for Micah while keeping my emotions in check. I would always deal with them later on my own when I had time, even if was just 15 minutes in a hospital bathroom. It was the only place that I could let go in the hospital. But I remember pacing with my hands resting on my 28 week pregnant belly and just weeping in those hours. It was just too much. Later, I couldn't rest until I found that nurse to apologize. She was so gracious. The surgeon came up a few hours after Micah was up on the floor and echoed my words in a louder voice. He was a different kind of guy - Kind, but socially awkward in a 1990's highschool computer club kinda way. But I came to love him very quickly. His skill in the operating room was exceptional and his care for Micah was special. He took control like I have never seen. He promised Micah no pain afterwards and he would do anything to keep that promise. Micah couldn't stand visitors or even anyone else besides Ken or I in the room. He would get very agitated. My mom came to sit with him once or twice, so Ken and I could step away together for a few hours, but that was it. I don't even think our kids visited him until the end of the first week. Watching Micah suffer made us wonder if we made the right decision.

During that time especially, we looked to the Lord to fill our chests with air for every breath, to guide our thoughts and our hearts. We lived, breathing prayer in those days. The Lord was at our shoulder. I could feel Him brushing beside me. That could possibly sound irreverent to some, but it's reality sometimes in the valley of the shadow of death. I don't wish for that pain again for any of us, but sometimes I find myself aching for that shoulder brush.

Since relapse, I had been slowly letting him go. I didn't show less love, but I was holding him looser and trying to honor the Lord in my grief and let him go 'well'. But after the surgery, I grappled with the question of - Can I let myself undo the letting go that I had started?

As time passed, we prayed for just a few healthy months for him as we brought our sweet new baby, Grace Micaiah into the family. Then we prayed for 10 years old. 12 years old. Highschool. Driving. Graduation. Now he is almost done his first year of university. We are seeing him become a man and it's a beautiful thing - Oh Lord O Lord how excellent is your name. You have given us such a gift. It's something that somedays we just can't quite comprehend. In the process of those hard years, we were given the opportunity to put what we believed into practice. Our knowledge of You and belief in You became more real as we saw how You gave us breath to breathe in the moment, words to say and strength to stay standing. We saw Your care over us in every aspect of our lives. We saw Your faithfulness firsthand and we learned that you are good in death and in life. Always. Our suffering brought us to the cross daily and put us on our knees. Thank you for transforming us with Your grace especially during that time and giving Micah back to us and letting us keep him for so long. You are: My Redeemer. My Most High God (El Elyon). My Master (Adonai). My Healer (Jehovah Rapha). My God Who Sees (El Roi). My Provider (Jehovah Jireh). My All Sufficient One (El Shaddai). My Peace (Jehovah Shalom). My Sanctifier (Jehovah Mekoddishkem). My Righteousness (Jehovah Tsidkenu). My Everlasting God (El Olan). My Shepherd (Jehovah Rohi). Amen.

I was explaining to a friend that this day was the worst day, but also the best. It was so painful, but also the beginning of beautiful. We had to endure the darkness of death, to get to the beauty of life. This resonated with me today. For the first time in my life, the last months have been filled with the struggle of anxiety and exhaustion. I am slowly coming out the other side. But in the beginning, it felt very dark and when it's one step forward and 2 steps back, it can be very discouraging. But like the time for us 11 years ago, sometimes you have to walk through horrible hard stuff to get to the beautiful part. Sometimes the only way is through and the way through becomes a time of growth and a time that you are given eyes to see what you couldn't before. It becomes a time that you needed. At first, it feels like all is dark and broken, but slowly rays start to poke through. There are dark days still, but you have hope because you have seen some of those rays. Until one day, you are standing with your face turned upwards feeling the warm sunshine. I can't wait. I have been quiet about my struggles because I wasn't ready to share. I am not quite out the other side yet, but my days are equal in regards light and dark and that is encouraging. I am not sharing to put focus on myself, but as I was writing this post and thinking about these things, I realized that it was time to share just this little bit in case it encouraged you, like it did me.

All of our dear family and friends who walked so closely with us in those years - Thank you. For those who are new and weren't there for those days, thank you for walking into our story through this post. Please thank the Lord with us today. Bless His Holy name!! His mercy and kindness towards us is so beautiful. I always end these posts with my favorite Psalm 103...

1 Bless the Lord, O my soul,

    and all that is within me,

    bless his holy name!

2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,

    and forget not all his benefits,

3 who forgives all your iniquity,

    who heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit,

    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

5 who satisfies you with good

    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The Lord works righteousness

    and justice for all who are oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,

    his acts to the people of Israel.

8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,

    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

9 He will not always chide,

    nor will he keep his anger forever.

10 He does not deal with us according to our sins,

    nor repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,

    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

13 As a father shows compassion to his children,

    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

14 For he knows our frame;[a]

    he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass;

    he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,

    and its place knows it no more.

17 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting

to everlasting on those who fear him,

    and his righteousness to children's children,

18 to those who keep his covenant

    and remember to do his commandments.

19 The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,

    and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Bless the Lord, O you his angels,

    you mighty ones who do his word,

    obeying the voice of his word!

21 Bless the Lord, all his hosts,

    his ministers, who do his will!

22 Bless the Lord, all his works,

    in all places of his dominion.

Bless the Lord, O my soul!