Resting in the Mystery

I've been diving into the Word since January. It excites me. I could be the poster girl for bible reading strugglers. In the past, I could easily go for a few weeks without opening my bible on my own. I would feel awful about it, but not always bad enough to pick it up. Now if I go one or two days, I am drawn back like I am being physically pulled. It has become a want, a desire and a must. Through the years, I have had seasons that I have been more faithful than others, but if I had to do a summary of my life, I would give myself a failing grade. It's not natural for me. I have fought with it forever and it's always been heavy on my shoulders. I have deeply loved the Lord for a long time and I still don't  understand why I don't naturally gravitate to His Word. We started bible reading accountability groups at church for the ladies and it's been an incredible blessing. There are 6-8 to a group and most of the groups have Facebook pages and we read together and share about what we have read. I love my ladies. My bible is getting read and marked up like never before. I have grown in love for the Lord and His Word. When I pick my bible up, I actually feel affection for it - Like it's a dear friend. I am falling in love with the gospel all over again. I am sure my struggle will pop up again in the future and I will have to fight for it again, but right now I am so thankful for the love of reading my bible.  (Our group is doing this five day reading plan that Challies recommended. It's a-mazing and well put together. Game changer. Manageable. Delightful. For real.)

Last Monday, the Revive our Hearts podcast was at the top of my podcast download list.  I haven't listened to ROH for a long time, but I just clicked on it because I wanted something to listen to while I did 4rth meal dishes from Sunday night. Nancy was starting a series on Psalm 131 and it's amazing to see how the Lord works in His providence. I needed this series so badly. Truthfully, I don't think I have ever actually read Psalm 131 or if I have, I didn't really take notice of it. It's short and beautiful.  

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul (ESV)

A Song of Ascents. Of David.

131 

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

    my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things

    too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

    like a weaned child with its mother;

    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord

    from this time forth and forevermore.

Like everyone else, our lives have had seasons of hard. The last 13 years have been a rollercoaster of major highs and major lows. So much so, that when we moved back to St Thomas I struggled a lot to live in the mundane. I didn't know what that looked like. It had been so long and I was used to feeling deeply at either end. At the end of our cancer years, it took us years to heal, but God gave us answers. He revealed some of his purposes - I am sure not all. The Lord used the hard to change us. It was obvious. We got to keep Micah and learn all the lessons. We were spared a lot of pain and sorrow while reaping the beauty of the lessons. That's something I think about often and praise Him for. In a way, things were buttoned up. 

Our lives changed direction some years ago and we experienced pain, confusion and upheaval. I have been asking the Lord and some wise people -How do you live with something that you don't understand, especially when you know that you were being obedient in following Him? All of the doors opened and He gave such peace and blessed the journey in many ways. When you gave up so much to be obedient and humanly it seemed like it was all for nothing and you are still living with the fallout of those sacrifices, it's so hard and discouraging. How do you process that? It just doesn't seem like it was supposed to be this way. How do you live with unresolved hurt that you can't fix from your end? There is a time and a place to grieve, ask and wrestle with these struggles. But the answer is not intellectually complex. Trust. Submit.

This is a sign we had made. It's one of my favorites. 

Knowing and believing the answer is one thing. But putting it into practice is sometimes so hard even after being shown in extraordinary ways who God is over and over. This week, God gave me these podcasts on Psalm 131 to reorient me. He even waited until I was so hungry for His Word that I would need to open it and study it.

What I learned is not new to me, but somehow it was all made new. These next thoughts are all from Nancy.

• Be humble. Who am I?  
• Don’t be proud or be quick to find fault with others. 
• Humility leads to quietness. 
• Don’t wrestle with things that are too high for us or that we will never know the answer to. 
• Calming and quieting is something that we need to do actively. 
• Speak to our souls and direct our desires to Christ. 
• Think on the truths of scriptures and the faithfulness of God. 
• Counsel our hearts according to the Word of God. 
• Our goal is to be weaned. 
• Un-weaned: angry, unsettled, want the world to go my way, fair weather friend - only serving God for what He can give me when things go right, impatient. 
• Weaned - resting, joy, peace, calm, waiting, humble, comforted, secure in Christ and his faithfulness. 
• Hope is active and a command -"O Belinda, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever more."
• God has never failed me. He is so faithful.

I have been vacillating between knowing the right answers, hurting, trusting, feeling hopeful, remembering who God is and feeling super frustrated that I can't put this behind me. But this Psalm has become a balm for me. It doesn't magically fix everything, but it has put me right side up and has made me say, I will rest in the mystery and pain. 

Ordinarily, this post would stay in my draft list. It's personal and it makes me feel more vulnerable then ever to share. I have been struggling with these words for a week, but I can't rest until I share this post. Maybe someone else is hurting and needs to be pointed to this Psalm. Maybe someone needs to know that they aren't alone in the struggle of looking back and wondering why our lives don't look like we had planned. Maybe it’s loss, sickness, regret, a marriage that didn’t turn out to be what you were hoping for, longing for marriage or children or maybe it's something completely different. If this post had to be shared for you, take heart my dear friend. (Preaching to myself too) Despite the hard, the sadness and confusion, God is so good and so tender. He is doing something behind the scenes that we don't understand and can't see. The pain might be so acute, but be hopeful through your tears and aching that it's for your good and His glory. Someday, He will make all things right and so beautifully new and I am here right beside you longing for that day. But until then, we can trust in God's faithfulness and wise providence.

My second favourite. He is making all things new.