A Picture

This picture came up on my memories yesterday on Facebook. It brought instant tears - Not a cry that makes you smile and a few tears come out of the corners your eyes, but a cry that needed to be done alone.

I saw these two boys in this picture and how young they are here melted my heart. It's hard to believe that they are men already - 18 and 22 today.

At this time, we were 13 months out of relapse. Micah's surgery was March 25, 2010 and this was April 9, 2011. This past March marked 10 years cancer free for Micah. I have been meaning to write about it, but the words aren't there. I can't find them yet. In April 2011, we were still living 3 months at a time from scan to scan. We had started the healing process that took years to complete, but we were still very broken and tender.

Seeing this picture immediately put me back there. The one boy suffered physically, mentally and emotionally, but yet the Lord spared him emotional baggage once he was through the physical suffering. But the other boy in this picture, who had just turned 13, suffered much different emotional trauma than Micah. The heaviness he had to deal with was incredible. In a way, sometimes walking beside is more difficult.

Looking behind the boys, I see Grace's bottles and new sippy cup. She was about 9 months old and with her shining eyes and her chubby dimpled cheeks, she was light of our family. I see Micah's puffer chamber and a little square container that held his puffers and a few meds. Then I see my "Be Still and Know That I am God". I originally put that up because it was sentimental and made me feel warm. Little did I know that looking at that daily would soon become a lifeline for me.

When it went up before November 2007, I don't think I had ever felt the need to be still or the need to lean into Him with all that I had. I had no idea what it meant to have the Lord close or to fall on my knees with my hands reaching out in desperation asking for Him to help me take the next breath. I had never really experienced true joy in Him, so to experience joy in darkness was something incredible. I simply didn't know.

Looking at this picture reminds me of where these boys have been, the road our family walked, what He did for me personally and who our tender loving God is. He is faithful and has been and will always be my Shelter.

Psalm 91:1-4a

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will abide in the shadow of the Almighty 

I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress

my God, in whom I trust."

For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler

and from the deadly pestilence

He will cover you with his pinions

and under his wings you will find refuge.