For 11 years I have been writing about experiences in our lives that came about through Micah's cancer. This time as I started writing, it hit me that I have been writing about my experiences. My memories. My joys and sorrow. My discoveries. You have read this journey through the eyes of a mom. Micah is getting big, but his cancer years are a bit of a blur to him. He remembers some days or events, but I think they are more like snapshots. In my mind, he was so much older, but 5-8 is pretty little no matter how mature he was. I am starting to become thankful that I wrote it all down through my emails and blog posts. It will be a way that he can put it all together on his own when he feels the need. Today, Micah is letting me share his free verse poem that he wrote for his poetry portfolio. You get to see a glimpse of what his eyes and heart saw. He captured this moment well.

Surgery 

I look at my parents in terror 

But they can’t make it better 

I lie on the bed as it rolls down the hall 

My mom by my side

With scrubs on and mask ready 

Everything seems white       

Walls, floor, ceiling 

Everyone around me is quiet 

Surgeons, nurses, parents 

We pass anxious people 

Waiting for loved ones 

This hall goes on forever

Tears fill my eyes, my mind is racing. 

Could this be the time life ends?

The last time I see my parents? 

My final goodbye?

My mom comforts me 

By wiping my tears away 

Saying ”see you after”

“God will be with you” 

Her full trust in the surgeons 

But most of all God 

God has been with me 

Given me strength 

Protected me 

Through this 

Journey

It's 9 years this week since Micah relapsed. December 7, 2009 was the day. Micah and I were at the hospital for a 3 month check up. They found the tumor on an x-ray. I saw it when it flashed on the screen as I was standing behind the wall in radiology. I knew it was cancer. Incredibly, as soon as I saw it, I tucked it away and walked the 10 minutes back to PMDU. As we walked, I held Micah's hand and we chatted easily. We went to Art Therapy and did some colouring while we waited to see the doc. Micah's caseworker and oncologist called me into a room and told me that Micah had a recurrence and that it didn't look good. His tumor was quite large already in his lungs. It was evident on the x-ray, and they could also hear the restriction of air flow in his lungs. That day, they were also concerned that there was cancer in his brain because of what they saw when they looked in his eyes. I was stunned to hear the words, even though I already knew.  I didn't tell Micah that the cancer was back while we were at the hospital. I felt it was best that Ken and I had some time on our own to absorb the news before we told the kids. We were no good to the kids if we couldn't function. So I called Aileen. She is my sister-in-law and one of my most dear friends. I called her from the Art Therapy room and told her it was back. She called Ken at school to tell him to meet me at home. Josh, Natalie and Siah were already at her house, so I dropped Micah off there on my way home.  I waited to cry until I pulled out of Jarrett and Aileen's driveway. I knew that if I had started before that I wouldn't have been able to stop. So I had to wait until I was alone. Those tears and sobs on that road came from the depths of me. That day. Those tears. That grief. Those memories aren't simply ones that I remember in my mind. I can feel them in my body even after all this time.

I remember going to pick the kids up and sitting them on the couch. I did the talking. Josiah (3) was too little to understand anything and Natalie (5) was on the edge of being too little. I can still see the way Josh (11) reacted. He was so mature and in a way, he took it like a man. It's almost like he felt a responsibility to be brave for Micah. Micah cried and cried. The pain that both of these boys carried was so heavy for them. I sat on the couch for hours with them. We talked and then watched a movie and just sat close. This is how the second part of our journey started. It feels like it could have been from a different life, yet it could have been yesterday.

If I could have chosen to take away the pain of cancer and the emotional toll it took on Micah, I would have. If I could have taken the trauma that Josh and Natalie experienced away, I would have in a heartbeat. I would have preferred not to experience this trial that brought all us to our knees. It didn't just affect the 6 of us. It hurt our extended family, our church family. our further away family and even our neighbourhood community. I have heard and seen how it was used for good in people's lives and I think it's beautiful. It brought our family, our church and community together in ways I could have never imagined. I am thankful that it has made me who I am and that I saw who God was with different eyes. The beauty of how He came to me in my time of brokenness is something that I still long for today. I don't want the brokenness that came with it, but I want the special communion with Him that I don't have in the mundane. There is nothing that can compare. I know that not all people who suffer, directly see good come from their experiences. I don't take for granted that this is true for me. 

Not only is Micah getting old, but so are Grace and Siah. They were so little then and they didn't know much of what happened. It's not a regular topic of conversation. We don't avoid it, it just doesn't come up. As I was writing this the other morning while they were working quietly, I had some silent tears. They noticed and I explained to them that it was relapse week and that it opens some of the cracks in my heart. I explained relapse with a few more details than I have in the past. There were lots of tears, but it was good and time for them to know. I told Grace that she was named Grace because while I carried her in my belly the Lord's grace was especially beautiful at that time. I explained that she was also an amazing way that God showed grace to us. We needed her right at the time she was born. She was such a special gift. She was also the reason that her daddy really smiled for the first time in such a long time. I remember that smile. She always thought that we gave her the middle name Micaiah because she looked like Micah. I explained to her that it was because we wanted her to carry a piece of Micah with her because we didn't think she would get to know him. So someday, she could tell people that she had a brother Micah and that she was named after him and that he was so very special. There are no words to explain how thankful I am that the little girls have been given the opportunity to know and adore their big brother.

We have had Micah for 9 'extra' years. I remember asking the Lord for some time after Grace was born. Just let him love her for a bit? Then it was - Lord just another year? Then it was - Could you let him become a teenager? Now he is a year a half from graduating high school. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend what God has done. He has given us more than we could have possibly imagined at that time. We have been given the gift of seeing Micah mature into a young man and we know who he is and have an idea of who he will be as an adult. I ached all of those months thinking that I would never know who he would become. It's something that is so beautiful to me. Beyond beautiful and beyond expectation.

Again... My favourite Psalm.

Psalm 103 (ESV)

Bless the Lord, O My Soul

Of David.

103 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
3 who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns (surrounds) you with steadfast love and mercy,
5 who satisfies (fills to the full) you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all who are oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
    his acts to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 He will not always chide,
    nor will he keep his anger forever.
10 He does not deal with us according to our sins,
    nor repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
13 As a father shows compassion to his children,
    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
14 For he knows our frame;[a]
    he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
    he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
    and its place knows it no more.
17 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
    and his righteousness to children's children,
18 to those who keep his covenant
    and remember to do his commandments.
19 The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
    and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his word,
    obeying the voice of his word!
21 Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
    his ministers, who do his will!
22 Bless the Lord, all his works,
    in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!