December 7
Fall is a time of memories for us. November is diagnosis month and December is relapse month for Micah. Today is the first time that I have had an urge to write in a long time. December 7, 2009, happened so long ago, yet I can remember this day detail by detail. I remember the tears and the intense sorrow rushing out of me. I can still feel how deep the despair was. This is the one anniversary of Micah's that makes me sad and hurts me. As weird as it sounds, I find the other ones a sort of celebration. This day was so different than the rest.
I have had a blog post swirling around in my mind all day, but find that I have already done it and I can't say it any better a second time. So I have decided to share a post from 6 years ago.
After reading the post below and wiping away my tears of sadness and thankfulness, I realized how life has changed. Our hearts were sore and so tender then. We lived one day at a time, wondering what the next would hold. It was like we were waiting for the ball to drop. We were told by the docs to expect the cancer to come back any day. Now the fear of relapse and the waiting for it to come back has completely faded from our minds and hearts. It may happen, but we know that the Lord knows and He will do what's best for us - Hard or not, He is good. We knew that 6 years ago too, but we were raw from the trauma and were exhausted from weathering the storm. We couldn't comprehend surviving one more wave. Time has a way of healing and changing perspective.
I also smiled when I read that we were thankful for our family of 7. To think it's now 8, made me laugh out loud with joy. What would we do without our Tessa Jayne,besides sleep? (:
Through the ,Storm A Year Later
I have had a blog post swirling around in my mind all day, but find that I have already done it and I can't say it any better a second time. So I have decided to share a post from 6 years ago.
After reading the post below and wiping away my tears of sadness and thankfulness, I realized how life has changed. Our hearts were sore and so tender then. We lived one day at a time, wondering what the next would hold. It was like we were waiting for the ball to drop. We were told by the docs to expect the cancer to come back any day. Now the fear of relapse and the waiting for it to come back has completely faded from our minds and hearts. It may happen, but we know that the Lord knows and He will do what's best for us - Hard or not, He is good. We knew that 6 years ago too, but we were raw from the trauma and were exhausted from weathering the storm. We couldn't comprehend surviving one more wave. Time has a way of healing and changing perspective.
I also smiled when I read that we were thankful for our family of 7. To think it's now 8, made me laugh out loud with joy. What would we do without our Tessa Jayne,
Through the ,Storm A Year Later
(Written December 7, 2010)
Anniversaries have become a big thing for us. We have always remembered birthdays and wedding anniversaries of course. We remember the month Ken and I started dating, (Aug 1993 - That is a long time to have a boyfriend! I love him a million times more than that day.... Just in case you wanted to know (: ) and various other days that are special to us. But now we have many anniversaries that we remember that involve Micah. There are some good ones, like Sept 2008, when we got the first scan that showed no cancer since he was diagnosed in Nov of 2007. In Feb 2009, he was officially done treatment. In June 2009, he was able to go completely off steroids. There are more good ones, but there are also many sad ones. DECEMBER 7, 2009 is a day that will forever be imprinted in our minds. It was relapse day.
That Monday, the 7th, Micah went down for a chest XRAY. I always stand with the tech behind the wall and look at the computer screen. When I saw that image come up, I just knew. I saw the tumor. I stopped breathing for a moment, then felt warmness spread over my body and then carried on like I never saw anything. The only way I can explain it is God. He allowed me to put it in the back of my mind so I could just chat with Micah and go back to Art Therapy to do some crafts. It wasn't until the Doc called me into a room that things started spinning. She told me there was a recurrence and that it didn't look good. She also said that she was concerned about his brain because his eyes didn't look quite right. I was so conflicted. I needed to deal with how I was feeling, which would have involved sobbing on the floor, but I needed to take care of Micah and get us home too. I chose to take few minutes to pray in that room by myself. It was a screaming -pleading- begging prayer, with very few actual words. Then I went to Art therapy to get Micah. While he finished up his craft, I called my sister in law Aileen and asked her to cancel Josiah's speech therapy and my midwife appointment that I had scheduled for that afternoon. She also called Ken at school, so he could meet me at home. God made it possible for me to get to Aileen's house, where my kids were, without even letting Micah know what was going on. I dropped Micah off and went home. After Ken and I had a little time together, Pastor John came to be with us. It was a long hard afternoon. Before picking up the kids, I made some phone calls to the family and close friends. Once the kids were home we put Natalie and Josiah to bed and we sat on the couch and told Josh and Micah that the cancer was back. It is not possible to explain the pain of that night and the sorrow we felt. Not only were Ken and I hurting like no other, but we ached for the kids. My Josh was hurting so badly. He wanted to be the strong big brother, but didn't know how to. Sometimes he puts expectations on himself that are too high. At his age, he is on the edge of being a big boy, but is still so little. I will never forget Micah's eyes that night. We saw raw pain. It was like nothing we had seen before. All Ken and I wanted to do was fix it. We could pray and hug, but it didn't make it go away.
So on December 7, 2009, the second leg of our journey began. The last year has been one of despair and darkness, growing and blessing.
In the last year we have had many "lasts". We didn't think we had a lot of time. It was never said out loud, but was only communicated by Ken and I when we would look in each others eyes on those days. So in our minds, Micah had a last birthday, a last setting up of the Christmas tree, the last family dinner with the Pennings family, the last mother's and father's day, the last family vacation.......Our life was full of those days.
Making memories to me was like a job. There were times that I would panic because I was scared that I would miss something. I didn't want any regrets. So I took pictures and video every day of everything. Our palliative care nurse, Lisa, did a 3D mold of Micah's hand. It is perfection. When I brought that home, I protected it like it was worth 3 million dollars. It was priceless to me, almost to the point of making me crazy. It wasn't good. Many times I missed the events because I was too busy documenting it for later. I was focused on trying to somehow keep pieces of Micah here. I wanted to catch every mannerism and facial expression. I needed his laugh and his chewed up fingernails. I needed to see him playing with the kids. I needed to catch him cuddling with Grace and loving her. I needed to catch his face when Grace melted his heart with her smile or touch. I needed to catch him wet and full of mud. I needed to catch him playing baseball with all of his might. I needed the sound of his voice talking and singing. I needed him to tell me the things he loves and the things that he was worried about. I needed to know everything about him. I needed to memorize the feel of how he fit into my side while sitting on the couch together. If I couldn't touch him again here on earth, I needed to be able to see him so clearly in pictures and video that I would be able to almost feel him.
After Micah finished treatment the first time, life went back to normal pretty quickly. We emerged from that storm better and stronger. It was exhausting in every way. Micah endured so much pain physically and emotionally. But we were spared the fear of Micah's death. Each scan that came back was better than the one before. Except for a few times in his treatment it seemed like we were always going in the right direction. We were also very naive and I don't think I asked enough questions. But not being as informed as we could have been, was a blessing. We couldn't have handled anymore information. But this time it was different. I think one aspect that was so different is that Micah knew that he could die and that the treatment may not work. Last time through treatment he was so much younger and had no idea really what was going on. He didn't understand the ramifications of cancer at all. This time we had to be very honest with him and Josh at all times. They knew right away when something was wrong. We couldn't hide anything. When the tumor kept growing every scan, we had to sit with them and tell them the facts. It was a roller coaster for them as well. They hurt so much. Even though Micah had the comfort of Jesus and heaven, he carried the burden of wondering when he was going to do die. It was so heavy. He still is at times weighed down with wondering when/if the cancer will come back.
We still have our moments of panic and fear. We are constantly looking for signs of cancer. We have our days of sadness and even weeks that we feel so low that we would like to take a break from life. But those weeks are becoming days and those days are becoming hours and the hours becoming moments. But as I write this on December 7, 2010, I think for the first time in a year we are starting to feel like we are through the storm. Thank the Lord. We still have rain, but the thunder, wind and lightning are gone and the sun usually shines through the clouds on those rainy days.
God has given us the miracle that we all so desperately prayed for. It has been a year! We didn't think we would make it until last June. I would have been so happy to make it until September. Now it's December and as far as we know, he is cancer free. I never doubted God, but at times I am shocked that Micah is still here with us. God has taught us so much. We have been reminded again to depend on Him for everything, even at times our very next breath. We have seen that His timing is always perfect. God has used our story to touch others and to even bring them closer to Christ. He has showed us what is important and what is not. He has taught us again that without His strength, we are not able to stand. We have learned that our great God is good all the time. He is even good when you have times that life hurts so much that every day you beg Jesus to come back. Our kids have learned lessons that can only be learned by experiencing them. We have learned to thank him for every morning that we wake up a healthy family of 7.
So as we start a new year, please pray with us that God's will is that our Micah stays healthy and that if he doesn't stay healthy that God will help us to trust.
Thank you for staying with us all these years. Your prayers, friendship, love and support has meant so much to us.
In Christ Alone,
Ken and Belinda
That Monday, the 7th, Micah went down for a chest XRAY. I always stand with the tech behind the wall and look at the computer screen. When I saw that image come up, I just knew. I saw the tumor. I stopped breathing for a moment, then felt warmness spread over my body and then carried on like I never saw anything. The only way I can explain it is God. He allowed me to put it in the back of my mind so I could just chat with Micah and go back to Art Therapy to do some crafts. It wasn't until the Doc called me into a room that things started spinning. She told me there was a recurrence and that it didn't look good. She also said that she was concerned about his brain because his eyes didn't look quite right. I was so conflicted. I needed to deal with how I was feeling, which would have involved sobbing on the floor, but I needed to take care of Micah and get us home too. I chose to take few minutes to pray in that room by myself. It was a screaming -pleading- begging prayer, with very few actual words. Then I went to Art therapy to get Micah. While he finished up his craft, I called my sister in law Aileen and asked her to cancel Josiah's speech therapy and my midwife appointment that I had scheduled for that afternoon. She also called Ken at school, so he could meet me at home. God made it possible for me to get to Aileen's house, where my kids were, without even letting Micah know what was going on. I dropped Micah off and went home. After Ken and I had a little time together, Pastor John came to be with us. It was a long hard afternoon. Before picking up the kids, I made some phone calls to the family and close friends. Once the kids were home we put Natalie and Josiah to bed and we sat on the couch and told Josh and Micah that the cancer was back. It is not possible to explain the pain of that night and the sorrow we felt. Not only were Ken and I hurting like no other, but we ached for the kids. My Josh was hurting so badly. He wanted to be the strong big brother, but didn't know how to. Sometimes he puts expectations on himself that are too high. At his age, he is on the edge of being a big boy, but is still so little. I will never forget Micah's eyes that night. We saw raw pain. It was like nothing we had seen before. All Ken and I wanted to do was fix it. We could pray and hug, but it didn't make it go away.
So on December 7, 2009, the second leg of our journey began. The last year has been one of despair and darkness, growing and blessing.
In the last year we have had many "lasts". We didn't think we had a lot of time. It was never said out loud, but was only communicated by Ken and I when we would look in each others eyes on those days. So in our minds, Micah had a last birthday, a last setting up of the Christmas tree, the last family dinner with the Pennings family, the last mother's and father's day, the last family vacation.......Our life was full of those days.
Making memories to me was like a job. There were times that I would panic because I was scared that I would miss something. I didn't want any regrets. So I took pictures and video every day of everything. Our palliative care nurse, Lisa, did a 3D mold of Micah's hand. It is perfection. When I brought that home, I protected it like it was worth 3 million dollars. It was priceless to me, almost to the point of making me crazy. It wasn't good. Many times I missed the events because I was too busy documenting it for later. I was focused on trying to somehow keep pieces of Micah here. I wanted to catch every mannerism and facial expression. I needed his laugh and his chewed up fingernails. I needed to see him playing with the kids. I needed to catch him cuddling with Grace and loving her. I needed to catch his face when Grace melted his heart with her smile or touch. I needed to catch him wet and full of mud. I needed to catch him playing baseball with all of his might. I needed the sound of his voice talking and singing. I needed him to tell me the things he loves and the things that he was worried about. I needed to know everything about him. I needed to memorize the feel of how he fit into my side while sitting on the couch together. If I couldn't touch him again here on earth, I needed to be able to see him so clearly in pictures and video that I would be able to almost feel him.
After Micah finished treatment the first time, life went back to normal pretty quickly. We emerged from that storm better and stronger. It was exhausting in every way. Micah endured so much pain physically and emotionally. But we were spared the fear of Micah's death. Each scan that came back was better than the one before. Except for a few times in his treatment it seemed like we were always going in the right direction. We were also very naive and I don't think I asked enough questions. But not being as informed as we could have been, was a blessing. We couldn't have handled anymore information. But this time it was different. I think one aspect that was so different is that Micah knew that he could die and that the treatment may not work. Last time through treatment he was so much younger and had no idea really what was going on. He didn't understand the ramifications of cancer at all. This time we had to be very honest with him and Josh at all times. They knew right away when something was wrong. We couldn't hide anything. When the tumor kept growing every scan, we had to sit with them and tell them the facts. It was a roller coaster for them as well. They hurt so much. Even though Micah had the comfort of Jesus and heaven, he carried the burden of wondering when he was going to do die. It was so heavy. He still is at times weighed down with wondering when/if the cancer will come back.
We still have our moments of panic and fear. We are constantly looking for signs of cancer. We have our days of sadness and even weeks that we feel so low that we would like to take a break from life. But those weeks are becoming days and those days are becoming hours and the hours becoming moments. But as I write this on December 7, 2010, I think for the first time in a year we are starting to feel like we are through the storm. Thank the Lord. We still have rain, but the thunder, wind and lightning are gone and the sun usually shines through the clouds on those rainy days.
God has given us the miracle that we all so desperately prayed for. It has been a year! We didn't think we would make it until last June. I would have been so happy to make it until September. Now it's December and as far as we know, he is cancer free. I never doubted God, but at times I am shocked that Micah is still here with us. God has taught us so much. We have been reminded again to depend on Him for everything, even at times our very next breath. We have seen that His timing is always perfect. God has used our story to touch others and to even bring them closer to Christ. He has showed us what is important and what is not. He has taught us again that without His strength, we are not able to stand. We have learned that our great God is good all the time. He is even good when you have times that life hurts so much that every day you beg Jesus to come back. Our kids have learned lessons that can only be learned by experiencing them. We have learned to thank him for every morning that we wake up a healthy family of 7.
So as we start a new year, please pray with us that God's will is that our Micah stays healthy and that if he doesn't stay healthy that God will help us to trust.
Thank you for staying with us all these years. Your prayers, friendship, love and support has meant so much to us.
In Christ Alone,
Ken and Belinda
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