A Part of Micah's Road...

This was written on a Monday a few weeks ago.

We were planning to be done school Wednesday at 12 for Christmas holidays. But we woke up in a big-gigantic mess this morning, so we decided to do school on Thursday so I could put the house back together today. Sometimes it's hard to keep things organized on Sundays. It's a luxury for me to have the flexibility this week to take today off of school. (:

So we started upstairs in the bedrooms, collecting all the wash, hanging up clean church clothes and cleaning up. We always start there! (: The kids usually do their own rooms, but because things were so upside down, I decided to help them. While cleaning up Micah's room, we started talking about his stuffed animals. I asked him if he was ready to put them away. They kept falling off and were always so messy (not unlike the rest of his shelves! (: ). That is  partly because Grace kept wanting to play with HER doggies. It felt right to ask. I was starting to feel it was time. Micah agreed.

(His survivor lap shirt and his favourite Art Therapy paintings will stay up.) 

As we were talking about taking them down we went through the signifigance of all them. They are all special and had a purpose. Most of them have hospital tags on. As Micah got thinner,we could take his tag off his arm and put it on his animal of choice. This way if they got into the wash at the hospital by accident, we could find it back.

The ones that went into surgery with him are labelled with a special label that says ' This is Jack, he belongs to Micah Pennings.' (or something like that)

So here are his 4 faves. Judah, Chippy, George and Tiger. His dog Judah went with him into his first ever MRI. He was sedated and didn't do well on the ride home and he threw up all over him. We learned to bring a bowl! (O: These guys are staying out. We put them in the wheel chair and they will sit on the top shelf with his trophies!

This is Jack. In Nov. 2007, he went into Micah's first big surgery to remove the primary tumor in his abdomen.

Our favourite of the faves is little George. This little guy sat in between Micah's knees for all 30 of his radiation treatments and continued to be with him for many impatient treatments. He often ended up sitting on his IV pole with his bravery beads. George has his own set! (:

His little tiger was given to him by the radiation Doc for doing such a great job. This was June of 2008.

George on the pole with Micah's bravery bean necklaces. At this point he had 5 big necklaces. They all had a word or words on them. The first said Micah. The second, Peter. The third, Pennings. The fourth, George or Curious George and the fifth, God is Good. I think that is right. It's been a while since I have looked at them. (O:

Radiation - See George? I still find this amazing. The little box taped to his stomach, let them time the radiation to his breathing, so it didn't damage the surrounding tissue as much.  Micah was almost at his weakest here. You can see it, two pics above this one. He had shingles, was doing chemo and was finishing off radiation.  He was well morphined at this time, but it didn't completely cut it. We struggled with pain management.  I think shingles are the worst pain Micah has ever known. It was the Lord who helped him stay calm while he lifted the arm with shingles on it. We asked him if he wanted to stop and this little 6 year old told us to keep going.  Our very kind God gave him so much courage and peace.

I didn't take a lot of pictures of Micah in the hospital the first time he had cancer, especially when he was so sick. I found it too hard. I didn't think I would want to remember. I thought people were crazy snapping pictures all the time of their kids in bed or getting chemo. But I remember feeling that I had to take these radiation pictures. Now that I see these again, I am thankful I have them. My thinking about pictures changed a bit after relapse. It was more of a race for me to capture who he was on film, so we would always have it. Maybe that is what the other parents were feeling. 

Here is Chippy going into surgery with Micah when he got his first port out in September of 2009. What an exciting day that was for us! It felt like an end. For those of you who have been through treatment with your kids or for yourself, feeling like it may be over and you may have "an end"  is something we all waited for and wanted so badly. Only the Lord knew that about 7 weeks later we would find a large tumor in his lungs. Even though most of me wishes that Micah didn't have to go through getting his port out, only to have to get it back in so soon, I am still thankful we got to have this celebration day.

Trooper, who was very well named by Micah, went into his big lung surgery with him.

Trooper and Micah after his lung surgery in March of 2010. We were just starting to have our Micah back here. We were so thankful to see his beautiful brown eyes with some life in them and to have him smile, even just a little. It made me cry.

After chatting for a bit, Micah started taking them down to put them away in a tote. We cried. Many years of pain and growing are wrapped up in those little stuffed animals. It's painful, but yet so beautiful. I am thankful that Micah is old enough to chat with me about these things and that he is open about it. It is good for his heart, but I am finding it is good for mine too. 

Sometimes it still surprises me when those tears come so suddenly. But I have been thinking about it all morning as I have been digging myself out of the chaos! (:  I think that it is just the way it's going to be. We keep thinking we will come to a point that we will feel nothing and it will be in the past. It's not going to happen. Those years are part of us and the tears are OK and normal. 

An example of this is when I went to the hospital with Siah for his foot. I was only thinking of Josiah that day. But when we parked and I was carrying him in, I realized I had parked right beside Paeds Oncology and it made me suck my breath in hard and I had to fight the tears. I just know the pain that those families in there are going through. Carrying a little 7 year old boy into the hospital also felt familiar for a minute. I had a moment that I had to choose to let myself feel it for a few minutes and then move on. In situations like that, it could be easy to just sit down on the sidewalk, cry and completely give in to the grief of the past and 'sit in it".  To be honest, in the past few years, I have learned that sitting in it, is not any healthier than denying the feelings. There is a balance that needs to be found and it takes time to find. (o:

So even though our hearts are healed, there are a few cracks left in there. At times they are opened and a little pain seeps out. BUT I think that God uses those cracks in all of our hearts to make sure we don't forget .... God's faithfulness. The necessity of complete dependence on Him. His unfailing mercy. Where He has brought us. How He has used those times for good.  The new life He gave Micah. It reminds us to appreciate the small and live for eternity. 

(This was shared with Micah's permission.)