Scan Morning

I was up early this morning with some butterflies. It is an anxious anticipation. I am thankful this day is here. This scan seems way more important than the last ones. I have been thinking about why that would be. I think it's because it's been 6 months instead of 3 since we have looked inside Micah. It's been a long wait. Even though I would rather not have to do this, sometimes it's easier to be doing it, than waiting for it to happen.

Going to the hospital is so conflicting.

It reminds me of where the Lord has brought us and that fills me with profound gratitude. We have Micah here with us. We are not visiting a grave site. We do not have a hospital routine anymore. I don't always have a bag packed. Micah is not used to getting needles. We are not always wondering what the next week will hold. Life is stable and 'normal' and Micah is healthy and strong. Writing these sentences fills me with such emotion and thankfulness. God has been so kind to our family.

On the other hand, it hurts. Seeing and remembering is hard. Those little bald heads make me ache. The tired mothers who are just holding on, hit me so deep inside. I just want to hug them and tell them I understand. Seeing the palliative nurse, who used to visit us, visiting other kids makes my stomach drop to my toes. It's hard. 

The third emotion is excitement. It's fun to see all the people we left behind. Those relationships are deep and honestly it's so much fun to see people light up when they see my boy. In exactly 8 weeks, we will have known these people for 6 years. That is more than half Micah's life.  He has grown up so much and it's not lost on them that he is a miracle. They are just not settled on Who did that miracle.

Micah has such an extraordinary calm about him when it comes to scans. I know that the actual scan morning is hard for him. It's part emotional and part physical. But even though he understands what we could find,  he doesn't brood about it, lay awake or cry in days coming up to, or after. I am quite sure after talking to Micah time after time and watching him in many situations over the years, that the Lord has given him an extra measure of grace in this regard. It's beautiful and such a special gift for Micah as well as for Ken and I.  

Even though my emotions are everywhere, I am trusting the Lord for our today and tomorrows. I am not saying that the thought of cancer doesn't hurt. It does. It's even scary. But I do know that the Lord is on His throne and is always faithful. He has shown us over and over. His grace, strength, mercy and faithfulness will never change and He is truly all I need. 

Micah has chosen the Mandarin for our lunch out. Tony Roma's for ribs and an onion blossom thing was a close second! (:

Please do pray for Ken and Josh. I know how much they would like to be with us. For Josh scan time is difficult. It's hard being the older brother and understanding what could be.  

If you think about it, please especially pray for my Micah between 8 and 9:30. We should be arriving by 8 and his scan should be finished by 9:30.  I am pretty sure his scan won't start until 8:30 (if they are running on time).

Thank you for your prayers. We do not take them or your love for granted. It is a gift.  

I am not expecting results for at least a week. I will post when I have them.