Moving Beyond and God's Faithfulness

I looked out my window today and saw buds on the trees and flowers blooming. It's the start of a new season. It's exciting!

The more I think about it, I am realizing that I love change. I love the freshness and the feeling of different. When I was little, the smallest thing like the change of my desk location or raising of the height of my desk gave me joy. A new day started with a fresh pencil and an unused eraser made me giggle. Opening a brand new phonics book and feeling the stiffness of the pages filled me with excitement.  (Just so you know, the pencil, eraser and phonics book delight, hasn't changed! (: ) For a while we lived in an orchard in Vineland. When the blossoms on the cherry trees came into bloom it made my steps feel lighter. At another time, we lived in the middle of farm land. When the crops started to grow, I was amazed and watched, measuring the height against my body. When the time came for them to be harvested, I was just as excited to see them come off and be able to look across the empty fields. I can't count the number of times Ken came home to discover that I moved the furniture around. It made me smile and him roll his eyes a little! (: 

In the last year lots has changed. We live in the US. My husband is a student rather than a teacher. Josh is not being taught at home anymore. We live smack in the middle of the city, with pavement on 3 out of 4 sides. We are surrounded by a multicultural melting pot, rather than living in a predominantly white populated city. ( I am not complaining about where we live. I love it! (: It's just different.) 

The seasons are changing and our outward circumstances have changed. But it's more than that. We have mostly moved beyond cancer. 

There are things that have helped and some of them are physical.  Before the age of five, Micah was not heavy, but not skinny; he was just a little thick. For the next five years he was “see your ribs” skinny. He has meat on his bones again and it brings me joy. Although, he can keep up, he does tire easier than the others. But in the last 6 months, he has the most energy and spunk that he has ever had since the initial diagnoses. He is more driven in school and takes pride in progress. He has taken another step forward physically. He has also taken a step forward emotionally. He is able to talk and even initiates conversations about cancer and hospital stuff. He asks questions about things he wasn't ready for us to explain at the time. It's sometimes  painful, but equally as beautiful to see him processing and maturing. It's all part of moving on. 

I also think the fact that we moved away from our memories has helped a lot. I don't drive by the hospital at night anymore. I don't see all the lights in the rooms in our wing, remembering how lonely and sad those nights in the hospital were. We are no longer in a house that holds memories that make me ache. Moving gave us a fresh new slate. I always thought it would be the opposite. I struggled to leave the good and the hard memories. But it's been a blessing. 

Micah's scars are still there. All 16-ish inches of them. They are not any lighter, but in my mind they are not as noticeable. They represent life now, not the possibility of death. It took a few years after Micah's relapse for us to get our feet back underneath us. We were not only shaken to the core by the grief we experienced, but were also told to expect the cancer to come back. Trusting in the Lord's timing and providence did not always take away the sadness and waiting. Even a year and a half after March 2010, we sometimes fought being overwhelmed by fear and memories.  It was like we just fought in a war and we hit the ground and covered our heads every time we heard a loud bang, even it was just a car back firing. It sounds a little silly, but that is the only analogy that keeps coming to mind. Ken and I have taken another step forward as well. More accurately, the Lord has gently pushed us onward. As time has passed we have been given perspective. We are not waiting for the cancer to come back. It does cross our minds and we do think of it more often at scan time, but it's just different now. We have been given a beautiful peace about the future regardless of what the Lord has planned for us.

We will never completely move beyond cancer. It will always be part of us. I do believe that we will always ache at the memories. That is just human.  It has shaped who we are. We have learned more fully who God is during the last years. We have learned of His faithfulness. We have experienced Him as our Shepherd in most beautiful ways. We have seen what it is to hurt and grieve for a child and that helps us to pray for others differently. We learned what it is to surrender all to Him. These are all such blessings.

Right now, I am thanking the Lord for the flowers and the changing of the season in creation, but also for the healing, growing and restoration that is happening in our lives. God has given us the gift of Micah's life, but He has also given us so much more - hearts that are healing, memories that are fading and lasting lessons that have been learned only by walking through the fire.

He is so faithful. 

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

 Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!