Hospital Day
This is what I wrote last night:
I just wrote a whole post about moving. About how sad I am that we just had our last Sunday at home. About how my history is here. About how change is hard. About how Micah's history is here. About how people know us here. About how it will be hard that people won't know what happened to our family and how it has changed us. About how we won't see our 30 plus family members in church every Sunday. About how my heart is hurting. About how I will miss my people.
Well. I erased it. I am not going to write about that stuff anymore. I will be sad and some aspects will hurt. BUT I know I will be OK. God is in this and He is always faithful. As of now, I choose to only look at the good. I will acknowledge the hard and let myself feel it, but I will not sit at the computer and write about it. I am kind of tired of hearing it. Seriously.
I meant it, but I need to write one more hard post about the hospital today.
Today I went in for Micah's last check up. I didn't think anything of it. I am busy and it was just one more thing to do today.
We sat in Art Therapy and chatted like usual. Then I found myself trying hard to hold back my tears. If I would have started, it wouldn't have been pretty. My eyes were welling so full that if I half blinked, all the tears would have spilled out.
I realized that by moving it feels like I am cutting the strings with the hospital. We will be back for scans, check ups and Micah's port surgery. (His surgery was supposed to be this coming Wednesday, but we cancelled it today. It's too much for Micah. He would be feeling poorly and tired and blah and it's too much for us.) Things won't change too much by us moving. It's a mental change.
By moving it is showing that we are in a sense moving on from cancer. Is that what we are doing? Are we ready?
I had a talk with the doc about the spot in his abdomen. She gave me the measurements and it hasn't changed since they first saw it. They first mentioned it on the report in April, but the scan people went back and saw that it was there in Oct 2010 already. It makes me lose confidence a little. Did they miss it from October 2010 to April 2012? That is a year and a half. A lot can happen with cancer in a week and a half, let alone a year and a half. Yes?
Anyways, instead of going 6 months, she suggested 3 or 4 months to keep an eye on the spot. I am not sure if she is doing it for my benefit or because she thinks we need to. Sometimes I think she caters to me. I usually just appreciate it either way and take it without asking. But I think this time, I may ask her which the case is.
Spots scare me. Hearing measurements scares me. It bring me back to writing down measurements of Micah's tumor and calculating dates and figuring out how much it grew and when. Those were awful times.
In Art Therapy there was a family whose daughter was getting her last treatment today. She had 2 more weeks of pills at home and then an appt in 5 weeks for follow up.
You would think that people would run out of the hospital whooping and hollering that they are done. Not so much. In my experience you want to just move into the hospital. It becomes such a secure place. It almost feels like leaving jail. You know how the people that leave jail sometimes have a hard time figuring out how to live because no one is telling them what to do? Add on the top of that "out of sortness", worry that they didn't do enough treatment or that it didn't work and as soon as the chemo stops, the cancer will start to grow.
I saw that look in the mothers eyes. I told her it was a big step to be done. She hesitated and didn't say it's exciting. The kids were there and I couldn't tell her more. I wanted to tell her that I understand how hard it is and that it will get easier. Depending on what happens it may not. (We have lost so many kids. I could be so off on this one, but I think we may have lost at least 50% of our original group.)
Sometimes I wish I could reach out more. I know how these families are thinking. I get the unease and the fear. I want to encourage them. If I could, I would take a day at the hospital and just talk to families. I would love to just let them chat to me and tell me how they are feeling. Maybe it would encourage them to have someone who understands the complexity of the feelings and thoughts. Maybe someday. It's not that easy to walk into a hospital and do that. You need a title and lots of school to do that and I have neither.
Anyways, it was a hard day and I am aching, not only from that but also because a family in our homeschooling group lost a 2 year old daughter this past weekend. I believe someone backed over her. The agony they must be feeling...... Pray for the Klassens?
That's all.
I just wrote a whole post about moving. About how sad I am that we just had our last Sunday at home. About how my history is here. About how change is hard. About how Micah's history is here. About how people know us here. About how it will be hard that people won't know what happened to our family and how it has changed us. About how we won't see our 30 plus family members in church every Sunday. About how my heart is hurting. About how I will miss my people.
Well. I erased it. I am not going to write about that stuff anymore. I will be sad and some aspects will hurt. BUT I know I will be OK. God is in this and He is always faithful. As of now, I choose to only look at the good. I will acknowledge the hard and let myself feel it, but I will not sit at the computer and write about it. I am kind of tired of hearing it. Seriously.
I meant it, but I need to write one more hard post about the hospital today.
Today I went in for Micah's last check up. I didn't think anything of it. I am busy and it was just one more thing to do today.
We sat in Art Therapy and chatted like usual. Then I found myself trying hard to hold back my tears. If I would have started, it wouldn't have been pretty. My eyes were welling so full that if I half blinked, all the tears would have spilled out.
I realized that by moving it feels like I am cutting the strings with the hospital. We will be back for scans, check ups and Micah's port surgery. (His surgery was supposed to be this coming Wednesday, but we cancelled it today. It's too much for Micah. He would be feeling poorly and tired and blah and it's too much for us.) Things won't change too much by us moving. It's a mental change.
By moving it is showing that we are in a sense moving on from cancer. Is that what we are doing? Are we ready?
I had a talk with the doc about the spot in his abdomen. She gave me the measurements and it hasn't changed since they first saw it. They first mentioned it on the report in April, but the scan people went back and saw that it was there in Oct 2010 already. It makes me lose confidence a little. Did they miss it from October 2010 to April 2012? That is a year and a half. A lot can happen with cancer in a week and a half, let alone a year and a half. Yes?
Anyways, instead of going 6 months, she suggested 3 or 4 months to keep an eye on the spot. I am not sure if she is doing it for my benefit or because she thinks we need to. Sometimes I think she caters to me. I usually just appreciate it either way and take it without asking. But I think this time, I may ask her which the case is.
Spots scare me. Hearing measurements scares me. It bring me back to writing down measurements of Micah's tumor and calculating dates and figuring out how much it grew and when. Those were awful times.
In Art Therapy there was a family whose daughter was getting her last treatment today. She had 2 more weeks of pills at home and then an appt in 5 weeks for follow up.
You would think that people would run out of the hospital whooping and hollering that they are done. Not so much. In my experience you want to just move into the hospital. It becomes such a secure place. It almost feels like leaving jail. You know how the people that leave jail sometimes have a hard time figuring out how to live because no one is telling them what to do? Add on the top of that "out of sortness", worry that they didn't do enough treatment or that it didn't work and as soon as the chemo stops, the cancer will start to grow.
I saw that look in the mothers eyes. I told her it was a big step to be done. She hesitated and didn't say it's exciting. The kids were there and I couldn't tell her more. I wanted to tell her that I understand how hard it is and that it will get easier. Depending on what happens it may not. (We have lost so many kids. I could be so off on this one, but I think we may have lost at least 50% of our original group.)
Sometimes I wish I could reach out more. I know how these families are thinking. I get the unease and the fear. I want to encourage them. If I could, I would take a day at the hospital and just talk to families. I would love to just let them chat to me and tell me how they are feeling. Maybe it would encourage them to have someone who understands the complexity of the feelings and thoughts. Maybe someday. It's not that easy to walk into a hospital and do that. You need a title and lots of school to do that and I have neither.
Anyways, it was a hard day and I am aching, not only from that but also because a family in our homeschooling group lost a 2 year old daughter this past weekend. I believe someone backed over her. The agony they must be feeling...... Pray for the Klassens?
That's all.
Reading your blog this morning made me realize again how hard it must be to leave all you have known behind, your church, your family, your friends, even the hospital and doctors that took care of Micah during his sickness. And yet you are also looking forward with a certain kind of anticipation to what God has in store for you. Praying that the God who led you this way will also provide richly, through your new church, new friends and even some family (Rob & Jen) He will not leave you to yourselves. We know that don't we. Hoping that all will go well with the move and that you will settle in quickly. Maybe we'll even be able to visit with you when we come to Grand Rapids.
ReplyDeleteMuch love, Uncle John and Aunt Mary
Dear Belinda, while you may not have a "title" these past years have shown that you have a talent and skill and the path you and your family have been on has brought these to the surface. Could be that the Lord is leading you to sometime in the future taking a class here and there to develop these skills and talents. With a little research, you may find that there is an opportunity to volunteer at a hospital which would enable your talents to shine.
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