Reading the past with new eyes.
I started writing this about 10 days ago. It has been just sitting as a draft. I couldn't make sense of it. I kind of still can't. This is the best I can do and I really want to post it. I just read it through and it made me cry. The reality of where we have been doesn't always makes me sad. Sometimes it fills me with such intense gratitude that it makes me weep. It also makes me reflect on where we are going and what God is asking us to do. It won't be always be easy, but I feel joy at the thought. But that is for another time.This post is nothing profound. I couldn't quite articulate all I was trying to say and it is a bit messy. Through my weak words and unorganized thoughts, I hope you can see the mighty God that I serve.
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Most of the time I write things for myself, but this time it's a little different. It is still for myself, but I really want people to read this and see the beauty of our God. So hold on it's going to be a little long and I have so much swimming in my mind. I don't know how to put it all together. It may be messy!
This (2 wks ago) week has been a hard one for me. It was a , "please don't call or visit. Please don't make me leave the house and please don't expect an email or text.". I felt such pain at the beginning of the week finding that booklet. Also, even though I know God is in our move, this week it felt like a crazy idea. I don't want to go anywhere.I change my mind.
Even though I have had a rough week, I have learned so much. I asked God to keep my head above the water and to give me discipline to look at things in the proper perspective. It is so easy to look at poor old me, rather then looking to God for strength and peace and remembering what He has done for us through His Son.
God ministered to me through sermons I found on sermon audio, through a phone call from a person I don't know, who called to encourage me and through beautiful music. I was reminded more than once that God has gone behind me, will go before me and has been faithful in the past. I know He will continue to do that.
One way I saw that beautiful truth was looking through my email updates. The other day we got an appointment for a surgery consult to get Micah's port out. At first I was a little frustrated. For such a small thing that appt is not really necessary. We usually just have a pre-op. But I looked at the name of the Doc and it is Merritt. I was racking my brain trying to remember if he is the guy who did Micah's lung surgery. It's driving me a little crazy. I can't believe I can't remember and it is not written in my updates. Really, how could I forget? I sooo hope it is him. If it's him, I may just have to put my camera in my purse and get a picture of him and Micah! I have so much to say about that guy from my first impression to my last. But I will save that for another time! It brings tears to my eyes thinking of him. It's not just because he took the cancer out. It was his special care. Really beautiful.
As I was reading my updates, looking for the Doc's name, I looked at those emails with new eyes. I noticed a few things. First, (This one is a little off topic, but for some reason I can't leave it out.) I noticed that mostly they were very factual. It's hard for me to believe now, that I could talk so bluntly about life and death. It seemed "every day" in some of those emails. Also, while they did explain what was going on and how we were doing, they didn't mention the trauma our hearts were going through. They didn't say how I spent many many middle of the nights in the shower crying until I was too tired to stand. I didn't mention how Ken was falling apart. I didn't mention that I had such intense nightmares that one time I stood in the kitchen screaming because I couldn't quite wake up all the way. The dream was so vivid that I was inconsolable. I dreamt that the nurses set Micah on fire at the hospital because the Doc said they couldn't fix him. They were so casual about it. It was just another treatment to them. It was very real. I cried for days and it brought tears to my eyes for months when those pictures flashed through my head. I think I was a different kind of writer then too and maybe it's good. I think we needed some space and privacy at that time.
Secondly I noticed that I talked about surgery a lot. It was on the table and then was taken off. Then it was put on hold and then we were told maybe. I was so very against it from the first mention of it. If the cancer was going to come back, why would we put him through so much pain, so WE could have more time with him? His quality of life was pretty good, even as the cancer grew. He was on puffers with the occasional morphine for pain. Making him weaker with surgery just to have the cancer come back sounded selfish. If the cancer came back right away, he would never get his strength back and he would be miserable. I thought that we should just let him go and let him live well as long as he could, instead of making him suffer more.
Oh, these words are so hard to write.
The week before we found out the cancer was growing crazy fast and had to make a decision as to whether or not to give him surgery, I had been thinking a lot about surgery. I told you all in an update that maybe surgery might be a good idea. Looking back I see how God was softening my heart to the idea and making me think it through before we had to make that huge decision. The decision still wasn't easy, but it was clearer. God used Pastor John's words to really make the decision. He said, "There is nothing wrong with choosing life." Those are the words that did it. But do you see how beautifully God works and prepares us for things we don't even know are coming?
Thirdly, in the updates I read a lot of words that the Doctors told me. I wrote these words to you and they struck me reading them again. " Just to be clear, regardless of what we do now, the cancer will come back. Even if we get rid of it this time, unless God chooses a miracle we will lose him. The Docs have not even given us even a glimmer of hope that he will be cured." I wrote those words knowing that a miracle could happen. I knew God was able. But if I am honest, I didn't think it would. I couldn't see past Sept 2010. It seemed so unlikely he would still be healthy 3 months after surgery.
If you would have suggested to me a month after surgery, that I would be writing this blog post 25 months later, I am not sure what I would have said to you. I am quite sure I would have either been angry or I would have started crying, thinking that you were being cruel.
How many times have I talked about the miracle God has given us? But looking back at all those words I wrote from Dec 2009 until March 2010, it makes it seem even more amazing. The fact that Micah is still here, how the Lord carried us, prepared us, gave us wisdom and changed us is simply beautiful.
God's gifts are so overwhelming.
Do you see it?
________________________________________________________________________________
Most of the time I write things for myself, but this time it's a little different. It is still for myself, but I really want people to read this and see the beauty of our God. So hold on it's going to be a little long and I have so much swimming in my mind. I don't know how to put it all together. It may be messy!
This (2 wks ago) week has been a hard one for me. It was a , "please don't call or visit. Please don't make me leave the house and please don't expect an email or text.". I felt such pain at the beginning of the week finding that booklet. Also, even though I know God is in our move, this week it felt like a crazy idea. I don't want to go anywhere.I change my mind.
Even though I have had a rough week, I have learned so much. I asked God to keep my head above the water and to give me discipline to look at things in the proper perspective. It is so easy to look at poor old me, rather then looking to God for strength and peace and remembering what He has done for us through His Son.
God ministered to me through sermons I found on sermon audio, through a phone call from a person I don't know, who called to encourage me and through beautiful music. I was reminded more than once that God has gone behind me, will go before me and has been faithful in the past. I know He will continue to do that.
One way I saw that beautiful truth was looking through my email updates. The other day we got an appointment for a surgery consult to get Micah's port out. At first I was a little frustrated. For such a small thing that appt is not really necessary. We usually just have a pre-op. But I looked at the name of the Doc and it is Merritt. I was racking my brain trying to remember if he is the guy who did Micah's lung surgery. It's driving me a little crazy. I can't believe I can't remember and it is not written in my updates. Really, how could I forget? I sooo hope it is him. If it's him, I may just have to put my camera in my purse and get a picture of him and Micah! I have so much to say about that guy from my first impression to my last. But I will save that for another time! It brings tears to my eyes thinking of him. It's not just because he took the cancer out. It was his special care. Really beautiful.
As I was reading my updates, looking for the Doc's name, I looked at those emails with new eyes. I noticed a few things. First, (This one is a little off topic, but for some reason I can't leave it out.) I noticed that mostly they were very factual. It's hard for me to believe now, that I could talk so bluntly about life and death. It seemed "every day" in some of those emails. Also, while they did explain what was going on and how we were doing, they didn't mention the trauma our hearts were going through. They didn't say how I spent many many middle of the nights in the shower crying until I was too tired to stand. I didn't mention how Ken was falling apart. I didn't mention that I had such intense nightmares that one time I stood in the kitchen screaming because I couldn't quite wake up all the way. The dream was so vivid that I was inconsolable. I dreamt that the nurses set Micah on fire at the hospital because the Doc said they couldn't fix him. They were so casual about it. It was just another treatment to them. It was very real. I cried for days and it brought tears to my eyes for months when those pictures flashed through my head. I think I was a different kind of writer then too and maybe it's good. I think we needed some space and privacy at that time.
Secondly I noticed that I talked about surgery a lot. It was on the table and then was taken off. Then it was put on hold and then we were told maybe. I was so very against it from the first mention of it. If the cancer was going to come back, why would we put him through so much pain, so WE could have more time with him? His quality of life was pretty good, even as the cancer grew. He was on puffers with the occasional morphine for pain. Making him weaker with surgery just to have the cancer come back sounded selfish. If the cancer came back right away, he would never get his strength back and he would be miserable. I thought that we should just let him go and let him live well as long as he could, instead of making him suffer more.
Oh, these words are so hard to write.
The week before we found out the cancer was growing crazy fast and had to make a decision as to whether or not to give him surgery, I had been thinking a lot about surgery. I told you all in an update that maybe surgery might be a good idea. Looking back I see how God was softening my heart to the idea and making me think it through before we had to make that huge decision. The decision still wasn't easy, but it was clearer. God used Pastor John's words to really make the decision. He said, "There is nothing wrong with choosing life." Those are the words that did it. But do you see how beautifully God works and prepares us for things we don't even know are coming?
Thirdly, in the updates I read a lot of words that the Doctors told me. I wrote these words to you and they struck me reading them again. " Just to be clear, regardless of what we do now, the cancer will come back. Even if we get rid of it this time, unless God chooses a miracle we will lose him. The Docs have not even given us even a glimmer of hope that he will be cured." I wrote those words knowing that a miracle could happen. I knew God was able. But if I am honest, I didn't think it would. I couldn't see past Sept 2010. It seemed so unlikely he would still be healthy 3 months after surgery.
If you would have suggested to me a month after surgery, that I would be writing this blog post 25 months later, I am not sure what I would have said to you. I am quite sure I would have either been angry or I would have started crying, thinking that you were being cruel.
How many times have I talked about the miracle God has given us? But looking back at all those words I wrote from Dec 2009 until March 2010, it makes it seem even more amazing. The fact that Micah is still here, how the Lord carried us, prepared us, gave us wisdom and changed us is simply beautiful.
God's gifts are so overwhelming.
Do you see it?
Oh Belinda, this post made me cry. You have such a testimony. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteyes, i see it! beautifully put, but i'm sure difficult to write...thank you! our God is an awesome GOD!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing! Praying you will have peace with moving and know God's will for your family! {Hugs}
ReplyDeleteA case of the "White Horse Days" Belinda. A curse that turns into a blessing even when others still think it is a curse. (See A Holy Experience blog yesterday). I read this in The Message just now and thought of you: "Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life." James 1:12. May you ALL have life, and MORE life as the consequence of finding in Christ alone, you CAN stick it out. With praise for your courage and the God who did not fail you. Kim x
ReplyDelete