It's still hard.

I just came across something as I was going through my bottom shelf in my room, that has shaken my heart to the core. It is physically painful to me. So much so, that I asked my mom to take my kids for half hour to work through it.

I can hardly see to write this, but it's a way for me to get it out and put it aside.

I have a whole bunch of Micah's hospital stuff still. I don't want to keep it, but I can't get rid of it .

I came across a sketch pad that he drew on while he was recovering from his first surgery. He was 5. The picture is a hospital bed with Josh sitting on the edge. I even found one with a cathetar, drainage tube and iv pole. He was very observant. This was before we knew forsure it was cancer.

I found his white binder with all the drug info for each of the chemo drugs. It has pages and pages of blood counts, a calendar of all of his appointments, a list of all of his bravery beads in case we lost them and info on his particular kind of cancer.

I found a book I started writing his story in.

I found a binder with the first 3 years of my email updates.

Then I found a little booklet tucked in somewhere that was for Micah to fill out. It was given in the spring of 2010, when the time was getting closer. It had questions like:

• what do you want your family to know
• what kind of books do want them to read to you (when he couldn't talk)
• do you want your doctor to give you enough medicine to stop the pain even if it makes you tired
• would you like to be in the hospital or at home when you die
• how do you want to be remembered

Ohh, this all seems so far away, but not. The pain is very real. 

This type of pain doesn't happen often. But when it does I feel tremendous guilt on top of the pain. I feel that I shouldn't let myself feel it. I feel like a whiner. We have Micah. He is healthy. People are losing kids right now and my heart is in agony because I found a few pieces of paper. 

I know in my mind that it is really OK for me to hurt. That is how we are made. Two years out and we are still healing. We are where we are in the process because this is where God wants us. We learned that  from a very wise woman a few years ago. 

I was reminded by a friend a few minutes ago that God carried us through the last 4.5 years and that He is faithful. He will lift me through this day and this pain too. God is so good and I praise Him for His grace.