Remembering

It is March Break and I love this time of year. The weather is getting nicer and school is winding down. So fun!

I have these thoughts swirling. They may not make sense to anyone or be cohesive, but they must get put down.

We were driving through London this morning and drove past the Hospital. We often drive that route and I am curious to see what kind of reaction I have. At night, nearly always, I feel dread seeing all those lights and thinking about the kids and parents trying to sleep, while listening to the beeps and being interrupted to have blood pressure taken or meds given. I think of the times I cried on my pillow just waiting for morning to come, so I didn't have time to think. Those feeling are predictable for me. During the day, driving by sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel so thankful and it makes me smile. Rarely do I drive by without feeling one way or the other. Today was sadness. All those sick and broken people suffering - hurts. I do try not to dwell on memories. It is not the right thing.  But today I was remembering Micah at his sickest time. He was on oxygen and I was praying for God to send someone to encourage me because I didn't think I could stand watching my bald boy, who was so thin and white, struggle to breathe while he slept for much longer.  The pictures of those days have never left me. They are the ones that I wish I could shake. Not only was he so sick, but he was so sad.  But I also remember Pastor John walking in a half an hour after I prayed that frantic prayer. God always listened. He always brought us through when we couldn't stand.

Later this afternoon I was driving to our accountant's house to drop off our tax stuff. The way home passes by the cemetary that holds a place, that we came so close to using. Often I drive by with little thought. Sometimes, I look the other way and pray not to feel. Today when I drove by, I felt disbelief. That part of our lives feels so far away and unreal to me. I asked myself outloud, "Really? Did we really have to make a purchase? Did we really start those plans? How could that have happened?" It seems like a whole different world to me. As I  drove by today,  I also remembered standing at the grave of a dear man about a year ago. I never planned to go to the cemetary that day. I didn't think I could handle it, especially without Ken. But God was pushing me to go. It was sad, but so beautiful. It was snowy that day and without realizing it until half way through, I saw I was standing on our spot. It almost made me crumble. I thanked the Lord that day for an Aunt standing close, who whether she realized the second source of my hurt or not, held me up not only emotionally by linking arms with me, but physically as well. Again, God took care of me in such a small way, that made such a difference.

I thank God everyday for Micah's life. Looking at him now brings special joy. He struggled so much this winter with colds and congestion in his lungs. He always looked so sick to me. I struggled with trusting. But now his colds are gone. He has been spending time outside and he looks so beautiful to me. His face is round. He has some color and his body has filled out.  He looks better than he has in about 5 years. I can't tell you the joy it brings me.