Yep, there are a lot of words in this one. But God is so faithful! (O:

I have been meaning to sit and write for awhile.  But I always feeling like I am stealing time, unless I get up really early or stay up crazy late. It is just not working for me lately. But today is a snow day. When Ken has a snow day we don't do school either.

The little kids are watching Little House on the Prairie, Josh is just hanging around and Ken is fixing Josh's light in his room. The upstairs is tidy, the wash is going, the computer is sitting here and everyone is downstairs and quiet. The coast is clear for me to have some time! (O:

I have been thinking about writing this for a few weeks. It is something that has been on my mind all the time lately. But I was so hesitant because I was worried that I will sound boastful. That is not my intent at all. I am just so thankful.

I need to write this. It is part of my story.

I was young, immature and quite complacent in my Christian walk for many years. I have gone to church all my life. I attended catechism, young peoples bible study, confession class and did confession in front of God and our church family. Was I a Christian? Absolutely. But it was evident looking at what I listened to, what I watched, how I used my time and what my priorities were that I wasn't even close to "living it" like I should! I still don't measure up. I never will. But I am on the journey. The Holy Spirit is living in me and working in me and with His help I am striving to be more Christ like.

The Lord has been working especially hard on me in the last 4.5 years. He has shaken me out of my inward focused life. I know that my sanctification is definitely a benefit of Micah's cancer. 

I would look at  people who lived and talked the gospel in their everyday life and want what they had.  It was  almost like a foreign language. The way they talked about God's goodness and their thankfulness and blessings, just left me with my mouth open. Their prayers were like breathing and it seemed odd, but beautiful to me.

When Micah was going through treatment the first time God showed me that every breathe and step that we took was dependent on Him. I started to understand about His strength and grace that He provided for us every single day. We were thankful and knew that  He was with us. We knew we could not make it one day without Him.  During the last 5 months of treatment especially, I grew in the Lord and the communion was sweet. The sweetest I had ever known to that point.

When Micah relapsed, our faith was challenged like never before. Physically, I kept going with God`s help. I needed to stay healthy for my little Grace, who was just beginning her life inside me. The kids needed to be cared for and the house needed to be kept running, but I was hurting inside in so many ways. I was not sure if I would ever be healed. Out of necessity I often had to pray to even be able to open my eyes in the morning to face the day. Ken was going through a very dark time and was deeply depressed. My strong husband, who was our leader, a teacher and a man in the Lord, was not so strong. He was always my rock and now he was questioning even the very foundation of his faith. He wanted to run from God because he couldn't understand Him, but never got away. Really, where else is there to run? Ken was removing himself emotionally from our family as he worked through things and that was so hard to bear. The Lord had taken fire to our family in so many ways to refine us.  He broke us down , only to build us up stronger than ever. I look at Ken now, so rooted in his faith and so sure of why he believes what he believes. I see a passion for the Lord and His service and it's beautiful.

So through these things the Lord worked. He blessed and gave. He took down and built up. He shaped and molded. But there has always been one thing missing for me. During that time, I was a prayer warrior. Praying was like breathing. I sometimes prayed literally every moment that someone wasn't talking to me. I listened to Nancy Leigh De Moss everyday and she was a blessing and I learned a lot. But I have never been in the Word. Ever. It has been a life long struggle for me. I have tried devotional books and other books, thinking that I would find the answer. But nothing has every stuck. The desire just wasn't there. It was a heart issue.

Well, the desire is here. I am so thankful and excited!!!!!! I have been using the Journible books. I am just starting Ephesians and I am doing Proverbs as well. It is like water in the dessert. I have missed out on so much. Having quiet time in my day, everyday to be with the Lord has changed my life. My priorities have changed even more. My focus is clearer and the Lord's voice speaks louder to me. It could be that I am just listening better.  My prayers are being answered in amazing ways, sometimes I just laugh with joy at how He has answered them. Make sure you really want what you are praying, because He will do it. That sounds funny. But if you pray to have your eyes opened, that He will use you and mold you to have a life that reflects the gospel, you better mean it.  Seriously, He could do it in ways you could never imagine. Then you have to listen and it`s not always easy. But then again serving the Lord isn`t supposed to be easy. If it`s too easy, then we are doing something wrong!  (O:

The beauty of this is hard for me to put into words.

So I did my best.