Choosing

My house is a mess and the kids are watching a movie. Josh has gone to church to throw a baseball against the wall. Grace is taking her first nap in her toddler bed. I think I am nuts for putting it up so early. She is only 18 months. But toddler beds melt me and Naddie pleaded with me. So we will try it.

Today I am tired. I am not as much physically tired as I am emotionally tired.

Yesterday I took Micah to our family doctor. His cough is getting out of control. It has gone past the point of slightly irritating to the point of making me cry. He is coughing day and night constantly. His puffer doesn't do anything. Cough medicine doesn't touch it.  On Sunday night, I laid in bed and listened to him cough for most of the night,  planning what we would do if he had cancer again. Never in the last years, have I felt so sure he had cancer again. It wasn't so much my heart thinking it, but my mind. My heart always wonders, but my mind usually has a handle on things. I lacked self control in letting myself go to the place of cancer and what it would mean for our family. You may think it is OK to think about it. But for me it is not. I let myself be scared. My heart was panicked. Ultimately, it is in the Lord's strength that I keep my eyes on Him. But it also takes discipline and self control to stay focussed on His faithfulness and His care for us.

Taking Micah in to the hospital for an xray to find out if he has a tumor, is not ordinary. I am always amazed how business like I can be. I have this disconnect until we get to the xray room. You would never know by looking at me in that moment, that standing there behind that glass watching them set Micah up, makes me want scream in panic. Hearing the click of the button makes me feel dread and watching the image of his lungs come on the screen, takes my breath away. I don't breathe as I scan that picture, hoping it will stay up a little longer so I can keep looking at it. Not being able to see evidence of cancer, with my own eyes, makes me able to start to breathe again. But then I start to wonder if there is something so small that I can't see.

When we left and went home I was thankful for the efficiency of the hospital and our doc who takes things seriously. I was thankful that I didn`t have to wait  for more than an hour for a phone call telling that all things are well. He just has a cough that is hanging in his lungs. We are going to try some antibiotics to try to shake it.

I am thankful, but not the jumping up and down screaming thankful that I usually experience. It is a weary, in the middle of war, but won a battle thankful .

When I feel down like this, I always have to remind myself, that the reason I feel down is because I am not being thankful for what the Lord has given. I am focusing on the wrong things. We are called to be joyful in all things, even in the hard times.

We are doing  THIS BOOK for devotions every morning. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!! It is exactly what I have been looking for. We have been reading about how God reveals Himself to us (His word, creation, Jesus to earth). We read a paragraph this morning that asked us how we were going to respond to the truths He has shown us. It talked about how obedience is a choice. It is the same with joy and thankfulness. We need to choose those things. In the mundane, we are making choices every moment. Sometimes I don't stop and think and about those choices. I guess I choose not to think. When I am about to raise my voice in anger, I need to make the intentional decision to be calm and loving..... etc.

I sat down to write, not knowing what I needed to say. But I realized I just gave myself a talking to. I need to stand up and get going. I need to be intentional and choose joy. I have been just existing today. It's not good enough. I can talk about what I know and have learned, but it means nothing, if I don't do it. (O: