Scan Day is Coming...

We are 5 days away from Micah having a CT of his lungs. We should be getting used to this. Last time we were pretty relaxed. This time, not so much. I wouldn't say we are panicking. But we sure are thinking about it. The past few days, cancer has been more real to me than it has been in a very long time.

Sitting beside Micah on the couch last night, in a very quiet house, looking in his beautiful eyes as he explained something to me, shook me to the core.

His eyes are like a window.

Some days I look in his eyes and I see my crazy, mischievous, 9 year old who often makes me laugh and sometimes makes me crazy. At times I see a sensitive boy who celebrates others' joy and who feels their sadness deeply.

But other times, even when he is happy, like last night, there is something in his eyes that hurts me. There is so much depth there. Those eyes have seen and expressed so much sorrow.  His eyes have pleaded with me in the past to take away the pain. I have seen looks of panic and looks of fear. He has experienced enough sadness and pain in his 9 years to last a life time.

I believe that I saw those things last night because they are reflection of how my heart is feeling now. As he was chatting to me, I wasn't really listening. I was drinking in his presence and cherishing the moment of him sitting so close to me.  I was thinking of the scan and praying I wouldn't have to tell the little boy whom we love so much that there is cancer in him again. I don't want to hurt his heart and I don't know if I can handle looking at his big brown eyes filled with so much pain again. Those looks stay with me. I can't erase them. I wish so much that God would take them from me.

It hate feeling this way because he is doing so well. He is thriving. We are so thankful.  It sounds strange, but it doesn't always mean he is healthy. I have seen kids relapse with no symptoms. Cancer can be a tricky thing. Humanly we never feel safe. But we know that our Lord has a plan. He knows what is best for us.  I know He is sovereign. But I have to be honest, instead of submitting and saying "Thy will be done Lord.",  I am praying that His plan is my plan. I know I won't have peace until I submit, but I just can't get there.

As I type this, a Casting Crown song is playing - Jesus at Your feet. This is one of my most favorite songs. It is a little repetitive, but I still love the words so much.  I will share the words with you.

Could you please pray for us this week. Please pray that we will lay it all at His feet, instead of trying to hold on.


At Your Feet lyrics
Songwriters: Jason Ingram;John Mark Hall

Here at Your feet I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet I lay this day down
Not in my strength but in Yours I've found
All I need, You're all I need

(chorus)
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet I lay my future down
All of my dreams I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace

Here at Your feet I lay my life down
For You my King, You're all I want now
And my soul sings

'Cause I am free here at Your feet
All I need is at Your feet
And I find peace, we're at Your feet
We're at Your feet

I am free here at Your feet
All I need is at Your feet
I find peace, we're at Your feet
We're at Your feet, we're at Your feet
We're at Your feet

Here at Your feet I lay my life down