Guilt?

I wrote this yesterday. We are now at the hotel and having a very fun time. I re-read this and I realized that this is very hard to explain. But I really wanted to get it down.

As I type there are only 3 kids in the van with Ken and I! We are on the way to Toronto. The boys are going to a Jay's game tonight while Nads and I hang at the hotel. Tomorrow we will swim in the morning and then we will all go to the afternoon game. I am so excited to go. It will be special to spend time with the big kids without the work that the little kids bring! (o: Usually Ken only gets to do these things with the kids.

I woke up super excited and was going to put it in my status on facebook. But something stopped me.

My heart is so heavy.

There is a young girl, named Jesse that Micah went through treatment with the first time and she relapsed in the last months. Currently she is in Toronto recovering from stem cell transplant. She is having an incredibly rough time. It makes the journey we walked last year look easy and it wasn't.

Last year when we were in the middle of such pain, I would look on facebook at people's status' and I couldn't relate. It all seemed so simple.  I know that sounds very rude and I was wrong. I was very focused on my own life and couldn't see beyond it. So for a long time, I just didn't go on facebook.

Now, I do put a lot on facebook. I tell people what my kids do, or when I am happy, or when I get a box of homeschool stuff. That is all small stuff in the big scope of life. But there are many times I stop myself because it is just too insignifigant. I worry someone will be hurt by the frivolity of my life.

As I was getting ready this morning and packing everything up, I realize that I have guilt. That is only word I can think of that describes it.

Our life isn't always easy and we still have hard days, but we are so blessed. Micah is alive and happy. I know that all of our blessing come from the hand of the Lord. It is not by chance or random. I am so thankful that God has chosen to give Micah life. But at times I feel bad for enjoying and receiving when so many people are hurting. Right now there are kids in the hospital that are so sick and parents sitting beside them that are so tired and hurting. There are wives longing for their husbands to come home to them. A woman just lost her husband after 64 years of marriage and here I sit in a van on the way to a fun place with a computer on my lap.

I didn't have this one bit, after the first time Micah was sick. It was the second time that changed me so drastically. I am quite sure it is not the right thing to think this way. It is good to have empathy and it not wrong for me to hurt for people, but I need to be able to put it aside and live the life that the Lord has given me.

That is not always as simple as it sounds.