Ya Hoo! Seriously! (o:
Ok, the beginning of this post sounds sad. BUT this is not a sad post. It is a happy one! So stay with me! I even used a lot of big text and some color to help me get across to you the happiness of it all! (o:
While Micah was in treatment in 2008 and 2009, we planned nothing. We were consumed with the day to day of taking care of Micah, going to and staying in the hospital and just working on keeping our family running. After his treatment was done, we tentatively started looking towards the future. But we still didn't plan far in advance, we had no idea what was in store. I even kept the hospital parking card we were given for free parking, even though we were only going in every three months. I didn't keep it for financial reason, but because I was wondering when we might need it again. I wasn't confident enough to give it back.
One day we went in for a check up, I decided to give my parking card back. I was getting more comfortable in our life. I was feeling more confident with each clear scan. One hour after I gave my parking card back, I walked back up to the desk in PMDU and asked for it back. Micah had relapsed. In the next weeks our lives fell apart. Ken stopped teaching, I couldn't take care of the house. We didn't plan more than 2 hours in advance, because at times we couldn't see past the next minute. We stopped planning again.
We even stopped planning in the little things. Last Feb or March, Ken and I went to Value Village. I often buy ahead for the kids if I find some good stuff at a good price. I had about 5 pairs of pants in my cart that were for Micah. They were his next size up. Ken and I stood there and just cried. It hit us that we probably shouldn't buy those pants because Micah probably won't even be with us to wear them. I put them all back. We couldn't even plan ahead for pants.
In the year since Micah's surgery, we have had more confidence to plan ahead. It started with little steps. This past September was the first time I bought Micah a new pair of Sunday pants ahead. I did stand in front of the rack in the store for 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do. I even shed a few tears as I walked out with those size 8 pants. It was a big-little step for me.
Last month, we planned a baseball trip to Toronto for July. That is a good one, we are getting there.
WELL......At this time of year, I plan for school for next year. I figure out the direction I want to go. I put orders in and wait for big boxes to come to my door. Serious, its better than Christmas. New school books make me GIDDY. You may even catch me smelling them. I know, tell me that I am a dork! I can take it. I am quite secure in my dorkness! (o:
SO HERE IS THE POINT OF THIS POST.
I know that none of us know what God has planned for our tomorrow - We could get hit by a car, have a heart attack or get cancer. Anything could happen! Jesus could come back in 5 minutes. Wouldn't that be amazing! I know that we are not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but are supposed to put our trust in the Lord. We also need to throw ourselves completely into this life and live. We can't just sit around waiting for sad or bad things to happen. This is all truth, but at times it is so difficult to put into practice.
KKK, THIS IS IT!
In all my planning for school, I realized that I started looking at the direction I want to go with Micah in the next few years. I even bought a creative writing curriculum last Saturday that I am starting tomorrow, that is a two year course.
This may sound like a small thing to some people, but for me it's HUGE! WHAT A VICTORY! Seriously, do you understand what I am saying? The best part is that it wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't even think about whether I should or not. I just did it! AND.... Now that I have realized what I have done, I am not scared about it or didn't cry when I realized what I did. I am very confident and comfortable in this place. Whoo, that last sentence is a big and important one. It has been a long time!
YES. YES. YES. Thank you Lord!
SO! There you go! I often share my sadness with you. I also need to share my joy with you!
I am so sure that I will experience heart ache and cry some tears again, in relation to planning ahead. It comes and goes and I don't know if it will ever go away.
But today, I feel........JOY, JOY, JOY! (o:
While Micah was in treatment in 2008 and 2009, we planned nothing. We were consumed with the day to day of taking care of Micah, going to and staying in the hospital and just working on keeping our family running. After his treatment was done, we tentatively started looking towards the future. But we still didn't plan far in advance, we had no idea what was in store. I even kept the hospital parking card we were given for free parking, even though we were only going in every three months. I didn't keep it for financial reason, but because I was wondering when we might need it again. I wasn't confident enough to give it back.
One day we went in for a check up, I decided to give my parking card back. I was getting more comfortable in our life. I was feeling more confident with each clear scan. One hour after I gave my parking card back, I walked back up to the desk in PMDU and asked for it back. Micah had relapsed. In the next weeks our lives fell apart. Ken stopped teaching, I couldn't take care of the house. We didn't plan more than 2 hours in advance, because at times we couldn't see past the next minute. We stopped planning again.
We even stopped planning in the little things. Last Feb or March, Ken and I went to Value Village. I often buy ahead for the kids if I find some good stuff at a good price. I had about 5 pairs of pants in my cart that were for Micah. They were his next size up. Ken and I stood there and just cried. It hit us that we probably shouldn't buy those pants because Micah probably won't even be with us to wear them. I put them all back. We couldn't even plan ahead for pants.
In the year since Micah's surgery, we have had more confidence to plan ahead. It started with little steps. This past September was the first time I bought Micah a new pair of Sunday pants ahead. I did stand in front of the rack in the store for 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do. I even shed a few tears as I walked out with those size 8 pants. It was a big-little step for me.
Last month, we planned a baseball trip to Toronto for July. That is a good one, we are getting there.
WELL......At this time of year, I plan for school for next year. I figure out the direction I want to go. I put orders in and wait for big boxes to come to my door. Serious, its better than Christmas. New school books make me GIDDY. You may even catch me smelling them. I know, tell me that I am a dork! I can take it. I am quite secure in my dorkness! (o:
SO HERE IS THE POINT OF THIS POST.
I know that none of us know what God has planned for our tomorrow - We could get hit by a car, have a heart attack or get cancer. Anything could happen! Jesus could come back in 5 minutes. Wouldn't that be amazing! I know that we are not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but are supposed to put our trust in the Lord. We also need to throw ourselves completely into this life and live. We can't just sit around waiting for sad or bad things to happen. This is all truth, but at times it is so difficult to put into practice.
KKK, THIS IS IT!
In all my planning for school, I realized that I started looking at the direction I want to go with Micah in the next few years. I even bought a creative writing curriculum last Saturday that I am starting tomorrow, that is a two year course.
This may sound like a small thing to some people, but for me it's HUGE! WHAT A VICTORY! Seriously, do you understand what I am saying? The best part is that it wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't even think about whether I should or not. I just did it! AND.... Now that I have realized what I have done, I am not scared about it or didn't cry when I realized what I did. I am very confident and comfortable in this place. Whoo, that last sentence is a big and important one. It has been a long time!
YES. YES. YES. Thank you Lord!
SO! There you go! I often share my sadness with you. I also need to share my joy with you!
I am so sure that I will experience heart ache and cry some tears again, in relation to planning ahead. It comes and goes and I don't know if it will ever go away.
But today, I feel........JOY, JOY, JOY! (o:
So glad for all of you, and so thankful to our gracious heavenly Father! And new books smell amazing! ;-) (so do new crayons, packs of paper, and pencil crayons)
ReplyDeletethank God !!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBE STILL <AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD !!!!!!
i am so filled with joy that even looking ahead you trust in the LORD.
in our prayrs.
ruth
So thankful that those days are fading a bit for you and you are experiencing JOY!! I can-not wait (and hope and pray!) for the day when I can buy a future size for Little, or plan a summer vacation! Hope you are having a wonderful day! :O)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Belinda! Can I say that the other day before you came and picked up Nads, I was thinking how sweet/delightful it was that you were picking her up from a normal visit, not after an excrutiating day at the hospital. It 'tasted' good.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharring...these things are good for us to hear...they give us a glimpse of the depth of your pain as well as the abundance of God's everyday grace in that pain and in your 'normal'.