Thoughts

 This purpose of this blog is so that I could document my family's life and do updates on Micah.. But it also serves as a place that I can write. Sometimes I just need to write down what is my mind and heart. It helps me process. But the problem is that the things that I tend to write about, are things that hurt me or things about our experiences. They tend to be a little sad and sometimes a little personal. I want them here on this blog, so I can remember our journey through these years. I didn't want to start something separate just for me. I want our joys and our sorrows to be meshed with our family pictures and Micah updates. So then, in the future when I read this blog, I can see a true picture of where we were at the different times. I am not sure why I needed to tell you this. I think I just feel the need to apologize for the sad words.

Once you have heard these words, no matter what happens, your life will never be the same.

"There is a recurrence in his lungs. I am so sorry honey, it doesn't look good."

"We don't know if the treatment will work, there is only a chance. It is up to you whether you want to try  treatment. We will totally understand and respect your decision if you decide not to. "

"We can try treatment and even if we get rid of it this time, it will most likely come back. I would like to set up an appointment for you and Ken to meet with the palliative care nurse."

"The mass has grown, maybe the chemo needs more time to work."

"We are not going to give him his treatment today. The cancer is still growing and the chemo isn't working. I want you to think about surgery. If we don't try surgery, Micah will only have about 3 months to live. He may have another good month, maybe 6 weeks. It is up to you and Ken. We would want to do surgery in two days. Take a day to think about it and give me a call in the morning."

Hearing these words sent prickles of fear down our spines. They were words that made Ken completely check out. He couldn't listen to those words. Those words made my heart stop, but they made me think furiously. I always had so many questions. We had the Lord in those times. He was always there. He was just as good.  He held us up, no doubt. But we still felt despair.  At those moments nothing on earth mattered to us. You could have taken everything material away from me and I wouldn't have cared at all. Priorities change. Family time and the Lord were the only things that mattered. We did school with Josh and Naddie. But we took many days off to walk the beaches of the area and to just drive.  We got away every chance we got, we needed to just be together. We had to.  Dec 2009 to March 2010,  is a block of time that really does seems separate from our real lives.

It has been almost a year since we heard these words. God has healed our boy. For now. Maybe forever. But those words leave a wound. It is a wound that doesn't completely go away. It is one that often aches. In time you get used to that ache and can live with it quite easily. But there are times that the wound can be split open again and the pain becomes so fresh. I honestly thought the hurt and sadness would go away. I have been waiting. Micah is here and healthy. We really have no concerns. Why does it still hurt so much?

I find for me, the pain is more intense when we watch a family going through something similar. After reading Kate's last update on Wednesday night, my wound is hurting badly. It is all so familiar. I have only been in contact with Kate's mom by email a few times. But I want to go to her, hug her and tell her, "I. KNOW. "Those two words say so much.  I know what they are feeling. I know how hard it is. I know life will never be the same. But I also want to tell her that I know God can heal Kate with a touch. Look what He did for Micah. It can happen. It does happen. She knows it, but I want to show her.

Since Kate has relapsed, I have been thinking a lot about the last year. When a child relapses the options are usually few. You are faced with decisions that are unbelievably tough. The decision to do treatment and the decision to have surgery are by far the biggest we have had to make. I know that God showed us what He wanted us to do. I can't imagine not being led by the Lord. But what would have happened if we would not have listened? I seriously considered not doing treatment. For a day or two that was my decision. We were given the choice of doing HARD treatment again or no treatment. The odds of the heavy treatment working again were SO slim. He had had all of those drugs already. I was not willing to put him through all of the pain and misery. It wouldn't have been right at all. But yet, it seemed so wrong not to do anything. How could we give up?  A few days later our oncologist offered us light chemo. The drugs were so light that Micah didn't lose his hair and his counts really didn't go down significantly. Even though the drugs didn't work, it slowed things down a little.  It was an answer from the Lord.

When the decision had to made about surgery, Ken knew we had to do it. Ken was willing to move mountains if Micah had a chance at living. To me it wasn't an easy decision. It was major surgery, with no guarentees. The cancer could have come back a month later, when Micah was still weak from the surgery. That was my worst fear. I didn't want to cause him unnecessary pain. If he was going to die, I wanted him to have the best possible last days that he could. But again, God went before us and showed us His will for Micah. Today it has been exactly 10.5 months since his surgery. SIMPLY. AMAZING.

God has blessed us and we don't take it for granted. But this road is sure hard and long. I feel sad that Kate and her family have to walk this road. The decisions, the sorrow. the wondering and the pain........Lord Jesus be with them.