This and That.
We have blessed by our little lady's presence for 6 months and 16 days. She is getting so old. I can't believe it is going so quickly. This past week, I set up the playpen and she loves to sit in it and play. She will sit in there between half an hour to an hour. She thinks it's fun. Yeah for her. Yeah for me! (o:
Ken is on holidays now. We LOVE holidays. We have no routine. Our project last week was to scrape our bedroom ceiling and paint it. It was HORRIBLE. The walls were burgundy and the ceiling was sharp plaster and done very poorly. So we scraped it, sanded it, and then painted the walls a brownish greyish color. It looks a thousand times better. It`s not perfect by any means. No really, its not at all! I say just don't look at it sideways in the light and it looks great! (o: It`s fresh and clean and I like it. Now onward HO to the rest of the house. It needs a paint job badly! We have put it off for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons was that we were worried we would make a mess. But we have seen that we can actually kind of do it and really we have come to the conclusion that our walls really couldn't look worse, so we might as well do our best. (o:
It is News Years Eve Day. This year has gone so fast. Three years ago, we were in the hospital with Micah on New Years Eve. The next year we celebrated with many tears that our chubby little steroid laden man was there with us and that we were almost done treatment. Last year we didn't celebrate at all. We were invited to go somewhere, but we went to bed at 9 pm. We were sad and had no desire to usher in the new year with smiles and celebration. 2010 was going to be the year that Micah went to be with Jesus. We were thinking that it would be the hardest year of our life.
So now at the end of 2010, Micah is here with us to celebrate the start of a new year. The past weeks for me have been very emotional. Every event, I was floored that we were doing it with Micah. I have cried so many times in the last few weeks that my eyes are actually sore.
The other day I was thinking.... I have been so excited and so thankful for our life, but something has hit me. What happens in 2011? Is this the year? Will he be with us to welcome in 2012? Will I be crying next with year with thankfulness because he is here? I am getting nervous that time is passing. I know in my mind that God has a time for Micah to go to be with Him. That could be tomorrow or in 50 years. But we are human and still think in human terms. I don't know how else to word that. Humanly, it is most likely that the cancer will come back. God could keep it away. Will He?
I know what the right answer is: Trust the Lord in His timing. He will hold us if the time comes. The right answers are so easy to say. Don't get me wrong, I believe it. There is no doubt. It is just hard.
Right now I feel so bad for feeling sad for two reasons. First, I feel like I am doubting God. I do trust Him and have confidence in Him. I know He will do what is best for me and my family. That should be my comfort and with that comfort, why should I be sad? The second reason is that there are families right now mourning the loss of their child, whether it was from cancer or one of the many other ways that children can be taken from this earth. There are other families who are in treatment right now and have sick little kids. There are also families who have kids that have just had major surgery and are living day to day with unknowns. There are families who are hurting because their husband, wife, dad or mom are not going to live much longer.
WE are not in any of those categories. WE are so blessed.
I don't want to be sad, but life just hurts sometimes. I struggle at times to let the past go. Memories of this time of year especially are hard. Micah was initially diagnosed (2007) and relapsed (2010) in December. Things like driving past the hospital at night makes my stomach turn remembering the long nights we spent there with our lovey Micah. Seeing little bald kiddies on treatment, hurts so much. Driving past the funeral home and cemetery, makes me cry. Hearing about people who are sick and are really struggling hits me so hard, even if I don't know them. I am kind of stuck in the middle of mourning the past, feeling other peoples pain almost too deeply and wondering what will happen in the future. Some days I seem to live normally on the outside but in my mind and heart, I am struggling to stay in the day. I have always tended to be hard on myself and think that I should just have it together all the time. I think to myself that Micah is well and he is here, so I should just be thankful and get over it. But I am coming to understand more and more that there are times that it's necessary to work through things and process. Then I can put it aside and live in the day again.
Hmmm, this was going to be a light, fun post about what is going on in our lives with some pretty pictures of our adorable kids. Guess not. Maybe next time? (o:
I was wondering if you could please pray for those that are really hurting right now? There are so many sad people out there for so many reasons. People have so many different kinds of burdens. It is easy to fall into thinking that your own hurt is way more than others. I have struggled with that thinking in the past. It is so not true. God has picked each one of us to carry the burden He chooses. They may be different, but can hurt just the same.
Ken is on holidays now. We LOVE holidays. We have no routine. Our project last week was to scrape our bedroom ceiling and paint it. It was HORRIBLE. The walls were burgundy and the ceiling was sharp plaster and done very poorly. So we scraped it, sanded it, and then painted the walls a brownish greyish color. It looks a thousand times better. It`s not perfect by any means. No really, its not at all! I say just don't look at it sideways in the light and it looks great! (o: It`s fresh and clean and I like it. Now onward HO to the rest of the house. It needs a paint job badly! We have put it off for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons was that we were worried we would make a mess. But we have seen that we can actually kind of do it and really we have come to the conclusion that our walls really couldn't look worse, so we might as well do our best. (o:
It is News Years Eve Day. This year has gone so fast. Three years ago, we were in the hospital with Micah on New Years Eve. The next year we celebrated with many tears that our chubby little steroid laden man was there with us and that we were almost done treatment. Last year we didn't celebrate at all. We were invited to go somewhere, but we went to bed at 9 pm. We were sad and had no desire to usher in the new year with smiles and celebration. 2010 was going to be the year that Micah went to be with Jesus. We were thinking that it would be the hardest year of our life.
So now at the end of 2010, Micah is here with us to celebrate the start of a new year. The past weeks for me have been very emotional. Every event, I was floored that we were doing it with Micah. I have cried so many times in the last few weeks that my eyes are actually sore.
The other day I was thinking.... I have been so excited and so thankful for our life, but something has hit me. What happens in 2011? Is this the year? Will he be with us to welcome in 2012? Will I be crying next with year with thankfulness because he is here? I am getting nervous that time is passing. I know in my mind that God has a time for Micah to go to be with Him. That could be tomorrow or in 50 years. But we are human and still think in human terms. I don't know how else to word that. Humanly, it is most likely that the cancer will come back. God could keep it away. Will He?
I know what the right answer is: Trust the Lord in His timing. He will hold us if the time comes. The right answers are so easy to say. Don't get me wrong, I believe it. There is no doubt. It is just hard.
Right now I feel so bad for feeling sad for two reasons. First, I feel like I am doubting God. I do trust Him and have confidence in Him. I know He will do what is best for me and my family. That should be my comfort and with that comfort, why should I be sad? The second reason is that there are families right now mourning the loss of their child, whether it was from cancer or one of the many other ways that children can be taken from this earth. There are other families who are in treatment right now and have sick little kids. There are also families who have kids that have just had major surgery and are living day to day with unknowns. There are families who are hurting because their husband, wife, dad or mom are not going to live much longer.
WE are not in any of those categories. WE are so blessed.
I don't want to be sad, but life just hurts sometimes. I struggle at times to let the past go. Memories of this time of year especially are hard. Micah was initially diagnosed (2007) and relapsed (2010) in December. Things like driving past the hospital at night makes my stomach turn remembering the long nights we spent there with our lovey Micah. Seeing little bald kiddies on treatment, hurts so much. Driving past the funeral home and cemetery, makes me cry. Hearing about people who are sick and are really struggling hits me so hard, even if I don't know them. I am kind of stuck in the middle of mourning the past, feeling other peoples pain almost too deeply and wondering what will happen in the future. Some days I seem to live normally on the outside but in my mind and heart, I am struggling to stay in the day. I have always tended to be hard on myself and think that I should just have it together all the time. I think to myself that Micah is well and he is here, so I should just be thankful and get over it. But I am coming to understand more and more that there are times that it's necessary to work through things and process. Then I can put it aside and live in the day again.
Hmmm, this was going to be a light, fun post about what is going on in our lives with some pretty pictures of our adorable kids. Guess not. Maybe next time? (o:
I was wondering if you could please pray for those that are really hurting right now? There are so many sad people out there for so many reasons. People have so many different kinds of burdens. It is easy to fall into thinking that your own hurt is way more than others. I have struggled with that thinking in the past. It is so not true. God has picked each one of us to carry the burden He chooses. They may be different, but can hurt just the same.
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