3 Years ago.....
Three years ago tomorrow, was a Wednesday and a day that we will never forget. Micah complained of a stomach ache after supper. When the kids complain of stomach pain, I often lay them on the couch and feel around. I am not sure if I do it for them to let them know that I am listening and I care, or for me to make sure they don't have appendicitis or something. Those little exams usually end with the kids running away and being fine. This time I was feeling around Micah's belly and I felt something around his belly button. I looked across his stomach sideways and I saw that the area just above his belly button was slightly raised and it felt different. It felt different all the way down way past his underwear line. I could actually grab something and move it. It was big. Naively thinking that it may be a hernia, I made an appointment to see our family doc. On Friday we went for an appointment and were sent right over to get an ultrasound and an XRAY. When the ultrasound tech asked in an amazed voice how we had never noticed this before, was the first time I felt the prickles of fear. That day around supper time, our family Doc called and told us that we had an appointment with pediatric surgeon, Dr Girvan on Tuesday. So on Friday, Nov 9, 2007 my first "Micah email" went out. It was sent out rather timidly and only to a handful of people. To ask someone for prayer at that time was so foreign. I look back at that time and see how much God has worked in my life.
I could write our story for pages. I have so many memories of the last three years. With each of these memories I have a snap shot of that day and can put myself there. As I remember, I can almost hear the SNAP.... SNAP....SNAP..... as the pictures play through my mind like an old movie.
SNAP. I remember the appointment with the surgeon and the pre-op appointments. As Micah played on the hospital floor with his cars, I remember the moment it sank in that Micah was going to have a 7 hour surgery and actually how serious this was. I remember laying in bed the night before surgery saying to Ken that our life could change forever tomorrow. I remember the morning of surgery, my brother, who works at the hospital, meeting us at the elevator and showing us where to go. There were tears in my big little brother's eyes.
SNAP. I remember going into the operating room and comforting Micah. I told him that God was with him and that we would be waiting for him when he woke up. I looked into his tear filled eyes and told him that I loved him and gave him a kiss through my mask, just before his mask went on to put him to sleep. I remember breaking down outside that operating room, wondering if God would take our 5 year old son that day. I remember the surgeon coming out after the surgery and telling us that it went well, that Micah didn't lose a lot of blood, that he thought they got it all, but that it looked malignant. I remember seeing Micah for the first time in recovery, then going into a bathroom where Ken and clung together, weeping, barely able to stand. It was all becoming very real.
SNAP. I remember driving home that night, leaving Micah and Ken at the hospital and being hardly able to drive myself home. I was screaming and I couldn't stop. I remember bringing Micah home after 7 days. We had our spunky little boy back in the house with only a large bandage to remind us of what happened, thinking that he looked fine and that they must have made a mistake. I remember waiting 19 days for the biopsy results to come back. On day 16 I called the office of the surgeon only to be told that they were gone for the weekend. I remember leaving a frantic message on that machine, explaining to them that we REALLY. COULD. NOT. wait through another weekend to know if it was cancer, even though I knew that no one would hear that message until Monday.
SNAP. I remember the day that Micah was in the hospital recovering from getting his port in and learning that the cancer had spread to his lungs and liver. His liver looked fine at the time of surgery. So that told us that his cancer was very aggressive. Micah was recovering in a ward room with four other patients and I couldn't let Ken hug me in that ward room, behind that curtain because I know that I would break down and not be able to put myself back together. I remember having to literally bite my lip to keep from screaming for them to stop, when they pushed chemo into Micah for the first time. I didn't want that poison in his little body. I remember getting Micah's head shaved when all of his hair started to come out in clumps only 2 weeks after he started chemo. I remember Micah being really quiet and withdrawn. There were times when he wouldn't talk and when I would get a smile it would make me cry with joy because they were so rare. I remember sometimes going into the bathroom at the hospital and crying and screaming in silence because the emotions were just too much for me. I remember him starting radiation. He was so brave and so well behaved that they were able to time the radiation to his breathing, allowing them to radiate his liver. I remember towards the end of radiation, Micah getting shingles and being in such intense pain. I remember that tough little boy laying on the radiation table with shingles and his infected arm up over his head without even blinking an eye, with his Curious George nestled snuggly between his legs. I remember when Micah was so thin and sick that we had to carry him everywhere. I remember even family members looking at Micah in shock after not seeing him for a week because changed so drastically from week to week. I remember Micah's lungs not working well because of radiation damage and him having to be on oxygen for a few days in the hospital while waiting for the steroids to kick in.
SNAP. I remember sitting in the parking lot at the mall on Micah's 7th birthday, telling him how thankful I am that he is here with us to celebrate his birthday. He didn't understand and then I realized that through the last 14 months, he didn't know that he could have died. I remember the pain in his eyes, those tears he cried and the years he aged in that moment.
SNAP. I remember the moment I saw the XRAY come onto the screen as it was taken, and my untrained eye that told me that Micah had relapsed. I remember the dizzying feeling we felt when our Doc told us that we may be able to get rid of the cancer this time. But that it would most likely come back and that we should meet the palliative nurse and form a relationship with her now because it would make it easier in the future. I remember sitting with Micah on his bed talking about the fact that he could go to meet Jesus very soon and that we would miss him, but that he would love heaven and that the Lord would take care of us. I remember for a long time after Micah relapsed, I would sit in his room while he was sleeping and I would hold his hand and touch his cheek. I would watch him, pray and cry. I remember the days of sitting on the couch with him memorizing how he fit into my side or how his hand felt in mine. I listened to him talk and sing trying to get that sound imprinted into my brain. I remember sitting with the Doc, with my hand on my big baby belly, listening to her tell me that we needed to do surgery that week or not at all because the drugs were not working and we had a very small window before the tumor was too big and if we didn't try the surgery Micah would have about 3 months to live. This would mean that we would protentially lose him the same month Grace was to be born.
SNAP. I remember waiting in the waiting room with Pastor John, Ken and Lisa, our palliative nurse the day of Micah's lung surgery, way after the time they said they would be done, wondering if something went wrong. I remember sitting in his hospital room watching his lungs rise and fall at different times and crying because the epidural wasn't working. Micah was in so much pain and I wanted to scream at them to make it work. I was wondering if we had made the wrong decision to do surgery. I remember him coming home and wondering how we were supposed to feel. Its hard to explain, but in January we had started the grieving process. We were emotionally, mentally and spiritually being preparing to lose him. I had been thinking of songs we were going to sing at his funeral and I had picked the pianist. On a strong day, I had called different churches in the area looking for a bigger church than ours to have his funeral in. My parents bought him a plot in between my dad's spot and my Opa Van Dyk. We had started arrangements. Could we stop and move in a different direction? Could we hope? Was God going to give him to us for a while longer? Was God going to let us have our little Grace and Micah at the same time? How do we do this?
I have all these memories, these very painful memories. Memories that still hurt me so much to write that half the time I was writing this post the screen was too blurry for me to see. But I remember other things too....... I remember the hand of God holding us when we couldn't stand. I remember how He listened to our sad cries and our angry questions. I remember Him giving Micah a peace that was unexplainable to someone who doesn't have a relationship with the Lord. I remember how God brought us to our knees over and over again. He held us there until we submitted and gave Micah back to Him and could say, "Thy Will Be Done Lord."... Then He gave us His peace. I remember Him sending people to us just at the moment we needed them. I remember thousands of people praying for us and supporting us in many ways. I remember how God gave us the strength and grace to make it through situations that would be impossible to withstand without Him. I remember God giving us joy in Him, when things were so bleak. He never left us.
We are so thankful that Micah is still with us. We rejoice that Micah could be with Grace for 5 months already. Even though our life right now is a mix of joy and sadness, we know that regardless of the future, we serve a mighty God.
I could write our story for pages. I have so many memories of the last three years. With each of these memories I have a snap shot of that day and can put myself there. As I remember, I can almost hear the SNAP.... SNAP....SNAP..... as the pictures play through my mind like an old movie.
SNAP. I remember the appointment with the surgeon and the pre-op appointments. As Micah played on the hospital floor with his cars, I remember the moment it sank in that Micah was going to have a 7 hour surgery and actually how serious this was. I remember laying in bed the night before surgery saying to Ken that our life could change forever tomorrow. I remember the morning of surgery, my brother, who works at the hospital, meeting us at the elevator and showing us where to go. There were tears in my big little brother's eyes.
SNAP. I remember going into the operating room and comforting Micah. I told him that God was with him and that we would be waiting for him when he woke up. I looked into his tear filled eyes and told him that I loved him and gave him a kiss through my mask, just before his mask went on to put him to sleep. I remember breaking down outside that operating room, wondering if God would take our 5 year old son that day. I remember the surgeon coming out after the surgery and telling us that it went well, that Micah didn't lose a lot of blood, that he thought they got it all, but that it looked malignant. I remember seeing Micah for the first time in recovery, then going into a bathroom where Ken and clung together, weeping, barely able to stand. It was all becoming very real.
SNAP. I remember driving home that night, leaving Micah and Ken at the hospital and being hardly able to drive myself home. I was screaming and I couldn't stop. I remember bringing Micah home after 7 days. We had our spunky little boy back in the house with only a large bandage to remind us of what happened, thinking that he looked fine and that they must have made a mistake. I remember waiting 19 days for the biopsy results to come back. On day 16 I called the office of the surgeon only to be told that they were gone for the weekend. I remember leaving a frantic message on that machine, explaining to them that we REALLY. COULD. NOT. wait through another weekend to know if it was cancer, even though I knew that no one would hear that message until Monday.
SNAP. I remember the day that Micah was in the hospital recovering from getting his port in and learning that the cancer had spread to his lungs and liver. His liver looked fine at the time of surgery. So that told us that his cancer was very aggressive. Micah was recovering in a ward room with four other patients and I couldn't let Ken hug me in that ward room, behind that curtain because I know that I would break down and not be able to put myself back together. I remember having to literally bite my lip to keep from screaming for them to stop, when they pushed chemo into Micah for the first time. I didn't want that poison in his little body. I remember getting Micah's head shaved when all of his hair started to come out in clumps only 2 weeks after he started chemo. I remember Micah being really quiet and withdrawn. There were times when he wouldn't talk and when I would get a smile it would make me cry with joy because they were so rare. I remember sometimes going into the bathroom at the hospital and crying and screaming in silence because the emotions were just too much for me. I remember him starting radiation. He was so brave and so well behaved that they were able to time the radiation to his breathing, allowing them to radiate his liver. I remember towards the end of radiation, Micah getting shingles and being in such intense pain. I remember that tough little boy laying on the radiation table with shingles and his infected arm up over his head without even blinking an eye, with his Curious George nestled snuggly between his legs. I remember when Micah was so thin and sick that we had to carry him everywhere. I remember even family members looking at Micah in shock after not seeing him for a week because changed so drastically from week to week. I remember Micah's lungs not working well because of radiation damage and him having to be on oxygen for a few days in the hospital while waiting for the steroids to kick in.
SNAP. I remember sitting in the parking lot at the mall on Micah's 7th birthday, telling him how thankful I am that he is here with us to celebrate his birthday. He didn't understand and then I realized that through the last 14 months, he didn't know that he could have died. I remember the pain in his eyes, those tears he cried and the years he aged in that moment.
SNAP. I remember the moment I saw the XRAY come onto the screen as it was taken, and my untrained eye that told me that Micah had relapsed. I remember the dizzying feeling we felt when our Doc told us that we may be able to get rid of the cancer this time. But that it would most likely come back and that we should meet the palliative nurse and form a relationship with her now because it would make it easier in the future. I remember sitting with Micah on his bed talking about the fact that he could go to meet Jesus very soon and that we would miss him, but that he would love heaven and that the Lord would take care of us. I remember for a long time after Micah relapsed, I would sit in his room while he was sleeping and I would hold his hand and touch his cheek. I would watch him, pray and cry. I remember the days of sitting on the couch with him memorizing how he fit into my side or how his hand felt in mine. I listened to him talk and sing trying to get that sound imprinted into my brain. I remember sitting with the Doc, with my hand on my big baby belly, listening to her tell me that we needed to do surgery that week or not at all because the drugs were not working and we had a very small window before the tumor was too big and if we didn't try the surgery Micah would have about 3 months to live. This would mean that we would protentially lose him the same month Grace was to be born.
SNAP. I remember waiting in the waiting room with Pastor John, Ken and Lisa, our palliative nurse the day of Micah's lung surgery, way after the time they said they would be done, wondering if something went wrong. I remember sitting in his hospital room watching his lungs rise and fall at different times and crying because the epidural wasn't working. Micah was in so much pain and I wanted to scream at them to make it work. I was wondering if we had made the wrong decision to do surgery. I remember him coming home and wondering how we were supposed to feel. Its hard to explain, but in January we had started the grieving process. We were emotionally, mentally and spiritually being preparing to lose him. I had been thinking of songs we were going to sing at his funeral and I had picked the pianist. On a strong day, I had called different churches in the area looking for a bigger church than ours to have his funeral in. My parents bought him a plot in between my dad's spot and my Opa Van Dyk. We had started arrangements. Could we stop and move in a different direction? Could we hope? Was God going to give him to us for a while longer? Was God going to let us have our little Grace and Micah at the same time? How do we do this?
I have all these memories, these very painful memories. Memories that still hurt me so much to write that half the time I was writing this post the screen was too blurry for me to see. But I remember other things too....... I remember the hand of God holding us when we couldn't stand. I remember how He listened to our sad cries and our angry questions. I remember Him giving Micah a peace that was unexplainable to someone who doesn't have a relationship with the Lord. I remember how God brought us to our knees over and over again. He held us there until we submitted and gave Micah back to Him and could say, "Thy Will Be Done Lord."... Then He gave us His peace. I remember Him sending people to us just at the moment we needed them. I remember thousands of people praying for us and supporting us in many ways. I remember how God gave us the strength and grace to make it through situations that would be impossible to withstand without Him. I remember God giving us joy in Him, when things were so bleak. He never left us.
We are so thankful that Micah is still with us. We rejoice that Micah could be with Grace for 5 months already. Even though our life right now is a mix of joy and sadness, we know that regardless of the future, we serve a mighty God.
Belinda, you are such a such a wonderful witness of Christ. You inspire me and amaze me. I bawled through this blog post, and I have only experienced Micah's journey through letters and emails. I could not imagine experiencing it as his mother. We pray for your family each and every day. God is good and to be praised.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Jen
Hi Mr.&Mrs. Pennings &kids,
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time we heard about this at school, and when Mr. Van told us all about the cancer and what would be going on and all, in reguards to chemo, etc..... Three years ago. It hit me hard. And it hit me even harder when I heard of the re-laspe. I've been praying for you all ever since the beginning, and I've also thanked God for so much during this time as well. He has blessed you so much, even through the times of pain and times when you felt as if you were falling apart. I remember class about 3 years ago when it seemed Mr. Pennings could hardly teach because it was impossible for him to think about anything than his family at home, and the huge burden of the news you had just received. And I remember my grade 10 history class where Mr. Pennings came back a total different teacher who always pointed us to Christ and his working in history. That class was one of my favourites I ever took at Oxford.
And now, I'm thanking the Lord for giving you such abundant faith!!! And praying that you all will be given strength in the years to come, not matter what happens. Through the peace and the pain. Through the laughter and the tears!!!
God has blessed you all so much!!!
In Christ.
-Emily W.
Dear Belinda,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I can't fathom the pain you've all gone through, and the blessings you've recieved. Thank you for your witness to others through this time and for the strength you've shown. We continue to pray for you during the sad, difficult times and the easy, joyful times.
love,
Heather
Dear Belinda & family, I too have only been following you this year. It has been a priviledge to get to know you & your family through these prayer requests.Many were the tears I shed as I sent your prayer requests heavenward, & as I prayed that God would hold you all close.That Micah would have God's peace that passes all understanding. This is the first time I have heard your story & I cried with you seeing how wonderful our God is.
ReplyDeleteMy prayer is that God will continue to bless & keep you, & that Micah may have many years to be Grace's older brother.
A sister in Christ: Sylvia
Hi Blin,
ReplyDeleteOur family cried through your blog post this morning at breakfast. More tears when our morning devotional started with this text: Col 1:9
9 For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10 that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. 13 He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, 14 in whom we have redemption through His blood,[a] the forgiveness of sins.
Love you guys!
the Boumas
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteoops, sorry about that deleted comment :(
ReplyDeletelet's try this again....
dear belinda & ken,
thank~you SO MUCH for this post...i was moved to tears reading it. you have been given an extremely difficult path to walk these past 3 years, but you've shown us that you do not walk this path alone....the Lord walks with you & holds your hand & carries you when your foot stumbles. thank~you for your honesty in sharing your fears, doubts, joys & sorrows and letting us 'in' your life.....showing us Christ. you have never failed to point us to the Lord & His goodness & love for His children....thank~you for your amazing witness for Him. you have given those of us strength, by telling of God's goodness & blessings He has given you through this deep trial.
i think of 2 Cor1:3~5....
'Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,so that we may be able to comfort those who are in affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Chrit's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.'
praying for you daily,
brenda
Dear Belinda & family,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I have heard about about your family's story thru the "dutch reformed" grapevine. I'm glad I managed to find your blog so I can stay better informed as to specifically what I can pray for- for Micah, you and your family. We serve an awesome God who is sovereign and almighty! May you continue to find strength in Him.