My Oma

My Oma has been with the Lord for 4 months. I called her Omz. I still miss her and would love to walk into the door of her apartment and yell - Hi Omz!! I have written a few posts in my mind, but they have never made it to the page.  

Who was Oma? Many of you reading this know her as a spunky, energetic and determined woman. I wrote a post about Oma four years ago that tells you more who she was and about my life and memories with her when I was younger. Oma married my Opa in Holland and they came together in 1952 with Uncle Arie and my dad. Opa was such kind man. He was also very  handsome.

He was sauve and there are a few pictures that make me smile every time. Opa died in 1979 at 59 from cancer when Oma was 51 or 52.  I was 3 when he died. My parents had moved in towards the end of his life to help out and I remember the feeling of sitting on the bed with him. He was safe and he smelled good. I grew up missing him. He was Oma's counter balance that was very necessary. He was the one who stabalized the family. I missed the priviledge of having an Opa like him. When I was little, I used to dream that the Lord would give him to me for a day and I would show him everything and soak in his presense. When I started going to Oma's to care for her, I found that I grieved him as an adult. I don't really have the words to explain that. 

Oma's life wasn't easy. She worked hard as a widow and did her best. When Oma still worked, she wore her highheals with sweatpants and no socks in the winter for my whole life. The same highheels. She was very unconventional. She would always walk so quickly and she did almost right until the end of her life. There was a little pride mixed in there. My aunt Jane had to take those shoes away a few years ago because they became unsafe and she bought her a sensible pair. That did not go over well with Oma. Those shoes were a part of her and everyone knew her for them. Those shoes were not thrown out. They were hidden up in her closet where she couldn't reach them and they were put on top of her casket at visitation. That made me smile. 

I think about her smile and her laugh and how she would groan in the morning when she got out of bed. I remember how much she loved the Lord and how much she loved me and our kids. I was 'her Belinda'. She still said that about 6 hours before she died and that is something that was a gift to me. I could talk about her for hours and write about her for pages. Sometimes I wish someone would ask me about my Oma so I could talk about her. It has been 16 weeks, but she’s still so close to me in my heart. I took care of her for just under 5 years (I think) twice a day and then before that I gave her meds once a day. She was such a big part of my daily life that it took me 6 weeks to find my footing and establish a new routine that didn't feel like I was forgetting something. 

The moving on is happening. Her apartment just sold and I found that hard. The closing date was at the end of July. A piece that has been present for so long has been closed. After she passed away, I spent time in her apartment. I would just lay on her couch and take it in, cry and talk with the Lord. I am someone who needs to enter into grief. Stepping in allows processing to happen. The only way through grief is to grieve. Each time I went in it got easier. Tessa was also really affected by the selling of Oma's apartment. When she went the last time, she sat and cried at the kitchen table and said to me that she felt like she was losing Oma all over again. She is a tender girl.

Tessa took a long time to work through the acute grief after Oma died. One time on the way to piano lessons she started crying and she explained her tears to me. "Mom, I have three kinds of tears. One. I miss her so much. Two. I am so happy that she is heaven with the Lord. Three. It's makes me sad that she doesn't need us anymore. She is so happy and we are so sad. How can she be happy without us?" That is quite insightful for such a little one. Her being able to aritcualate those feelings makes it much easier for me to help her through. 

Over the last weeks, my boys emptied most of her apartment. My aunt Jane and I went through her pictures and drawers. My dad and aunts and uncles took what they wanted. After my kids took what mattered to them and what Oma had wanted them to have, my plan was to give most of the other stuff to Goodwill. But as the kids and I were working on the last load, it all came to my house first to be sorted because I did a bad job while we were loading. My heart was too sore to be organized and we just threw it all in. Somewhere below is a picture of my kids in the empty apartment for the last time. 

Some of that stuff came into my house and never left. 

I kept her big and heavy table lamp, the glass flowers and her Bibles. I put up some of her pictures and took her poof for Tessa. I took an end table. It doesn’t really match, but I love it anyways. I took the fancy lamp for my piano and her crystal bowls. I took four pieces of clothing that she wore the most and hung them in my closet and I couldn’t let her shoes go. Those shoes are by my door. Oma had the widest, littlest adult feet I have ever seen. She hated socks, so getting those shoes on was a gigantic chore. Sometimes I would break a sweat when we were a little rushy and we were getting ready for church. Sometimes we got exasperated with each other and it didn't always make me smile at the time, but it does now.  I can still hear those conversations.

All of these things are just things. I don't really care about things. I am a minimalist and like things tidy and functional and I am not attached to my possessions. But having Oma's stuff in my house is a comfort and I know how much she would have loved that we appreciate her stuff. The glass flowers aren’t really my style at all. But they have so many memories attached. She has had them since I was very young. We had family coffee there every Sunday and I can hear her voice echoing - Don't touch the flowers!!! Queue all the grandkids rolling their eyes and touching the flowers. We were bad ones. Ha. Maybe I will be telling my own grandchildren not to touch them someday. (:

Ken was sometimes there as a kid with my cousins and he especially couldn't touch the flowers because he is a Pennings. She would always shake her head that he was a Pennings. Pennings people and Van Dyk people were born to be at odds in her mind. Ken and I have been together for 32 years and she just stopped shaking her head and laughing only a few years ago when she saw what a good man he was.Then he became part of the best man in the world club along with my dad, Josh and my Opa. I remember her crystals bowls from when I was little too. "They are crystal, you know." is a phrase that I have heard many times.

I never really cared either way and now I love them. Oma also had glass underneath everything. Now I have her glass under her crystal and under a few of my plants. She would be pleased. She thought it was much classier that way. I am smiling as I write that. For Tessa, having her things in our livingroom has quieted her. Laying on Oma's poof and having Oma's special bowl with her glass rocks in it has made such a difference. She played with those stones almost every day and it brought Oma so much joy watching her little fingers. She loved how Tessa's body could sit so comfortably on the floor. She didn't miss much. 

Oma and Tessa's relationship was an interesting one. Oma loved her like she loved her own kids. But she would grab Tessa tightly and pull her in to talk to her. Tessa doesn't like tight, but learned to lean in. In the last year since Grace went to school, Tessa came with me early every morning to Oma's. She witnessed when Oma was difficult or angry or when my heart was strugggling to care for her. No matter how hard Oma was struggling, when she saw Tessa she would say - Oh Tessa!!! I am so glad you are here!!! It would often shift her mood completely. She would often also say to Tessa -Oh Tessa! Have you looked in the mirror at how beautiful your eyes are? Your hair! Do you know it's beautiful?  Oma always told her how much she loved her and sometimes the love expressed in words was one sided. After Oma died, Tessa wept more than once and said, "I didn't realize how much I loved her!! I assure her that Oma knew. 

Here is the infamous Oma grab. (:

 

I can hear her saying - Oh Tessa!!

In the last few years when all of the kids were home from school and we got together on a Saturday night, we tried to go to Oma's to visit. Watching the 10 of us all file in made her face light up. She could hardly take it in. Sometimes she would greet each one indiviually. I have a few videos of that. Then we would take a group picture. I have so many pictures of my kids with Oma. I loved to watch Oma with my kids. She would just tell it like it is and they could all take it. She had a special bond with Josh and Micah. One of my favourite pictures is of my boys carrying her casket. That would please her. 

I sometimes took pictures of her in the morning after she was ready for the day as we chatted. She never knew, but I loved to get candid pictures of her. The picture that was used for her obituary (the first in the post) is one I took one morning when she was laughing at me because I can only speak one language. She thought that she was way smarter than I was. I love that picture. But as I went through my pictures after she passed way, I realized that I don't have one with me and her except our hands in the hospital and that makes my heart hurt. I just never thought of Oma leaving us and me longing for a picture of us together. It's a bit of an ache sometimes. But we will have eternity together.  

We had a team that worked so well together to care for Oma: My Dad, Aunt Helen, and my two helpers Connie and Linda (and Britt before she had a baby). We all had our jobs. My job was the practical every day living, keeping her home, dealing with PSW's, meds and personal care. I was responsible for going every morning and night every day  I would ask Aunt Helen, Connie or Linda to step in when I needed a break or when I had to be away. That was such a gift to me.

I did have times of burn out. It was unavoidable and it took much prayer to make it through those days. When we showed up in the morning or afternoon, we never knew what we were getting. Sometimes it was a smile and kind words - Belinda, I couldn't live without you. I pray for you and may the Lord bless you. Other times it was - You are too late or too early. No one ever visits me and my family doesn't love me. She was dealing with some dementia, but it could also be her personality. She was still being sanctified, just like we are. One thing I am sure of is how much she loved the Lord. We talked about Him often. Her phrase was always that the Lord made everything perfect in her life. That was her way of saying that she knew that the Lord directed her steps for her whole life and that it was good.

My grief is still there, but it's less. I’ve learned that loving deeply results in grieving deeply. Sometimes a memory hits or something reminds me of her and I still cry and it hurts. Ken's uncle passed away last month and I ached deeply for his family. I love them and hurt for their pain. But it was so hard on me.It felt so familiar and brought my own grief crashing to the surface. By the end I was shaking because I couldn't release the grief from my body.This is the first time that I have lost someone close. She was as close as a parent to me simply because of the amount of time we spent together and the closeness that her care required. It has made me long for heaven even a little bit more. I didn't think more was possible. Heaven is my home. 

I started writing about our hospital time because it impacted me deeply, but it didn't feel right. But one thing I want to share is that about 6 hours before she passed away, my aunt Jane and I had some time alone with her. Her meds had worn off and she was not in pain, so we chatted with her. As we were talking she looked up into the corner of the ceiling and her eyes got wide and she said -Pa. 

She saw beyond the veil. 

Jane told her that her work was done here and that she was going to go to the Lord soon and that her Pa and Mother were there. Her Cor and Corry were there and that eternity was going to be beautiful. Her eyes continued to get as wide as they could get as she looked between Jane and I and the corner of that ceiling. She was amazed and couldn't believe that it was finally her time to be with the Lord. It was one of the most beautitful moments of my life and it's a time that is sacred in my mind. I thank the Lord for it. 

The Thursday, I was stressing a little bit. My heart wanted to be with her every second. I had the rest of my life to sleep, but only this last bit of time to feel Oma close and to hold her hand. I also wanted to be with her when she went to be with the Lord. It was something I knew would be healthy for my heart long term. The Thursday afternoon I was so tired and I remember saying to the Lord that if He thought it was best for me to be there, I know He would make sure I was. That took the urgency out. I am thankful that He thought it was best for me. 

When I think of Oma in her last week, it fills me with thankfulness. Oma was in church on Sunday, she went to the hospital on Monday and passed away early Friday morning. The goal was to keep Oma home as long as possible. The Lord gave us that gift. A few times we wondered if it was time for a home, but it never had to be done. Things always turned around. She was reasonably healthy until that Monday, aside from her aches and pains. That is incredible. What a blessing! 

I have let this post sit for weeks. I have worked on it a little at a time, sometimes late at night when I couldn't sleep. I will come back some time and fix the grammar and spelling. That's not what is important about this post. I've struggled because it has never felt done and it feels inadequate and like it's not coming together. Because how do I sum up a life? How do I express the depth of the love that I had for her. I just don't think I can. Maybe the only things that can be said are:

1. I loved her to the depths even though sometimes it was hard. 

2. I would do it all over again.

3. She was a gift to me.

4. I see the Lord's hand in forming our relationship starting when I was young. It was sometimes hard because I was family, but it also worked because we were family and how close we always were. 

5. She lived 97.8 years. It wasn't an easy life, but the Lord was present. 

6. She loved the Lord and in her own way she strived after Him.

7. I will miss her until the Lord takes me home. 

8. Eternity will be sweet. 

9. Oma's favourite Psalm was 103. It's always been mine too. 

10. Bless the Lord, Oh my soul.